Learn to Sing Euphorically
by Lioness Black
Summary: Before there was James, and long before she had the child who would forever change the wizarding world, Lily Evans had a love greater than them all: Remus Lupin. *complete*
1. The Prediction

TITLE: Learn to Sing Euphorically  
AUTHOR: Lioness  
RATING: PG-13  
LEGAL STUFF: Harry Potter character belong not to be, but to the lovely J.K. Rowling. Title taken from the Beth Orton song "She Cries Your Name," which fits the fic rather well.   
NOTE: Thanks to my beta reader and bestest friend in the whole wide world: Switchblade Malfoy (you can read her stuff too. She rocks. I'm only slightly biased).  
SUMMARY: Before there was James, and long before she had the child who would forever change the wizarding world, Lily Evans had a love greater than them all: Remus Lupin.  
________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Chapter One: The Prediction  
  
  
  
Remus Lupin walked into the Great Hall. He was suddenly overcome with wonder and awe. The way the candles hung from nothing and casted their eerie shadows against the walls and the way the ceiling appeared to be open, but the raging storm was only seen, and not felt. Every time he walked in, he found himself gazing around in that state of awe.  
  
After a long summer of living with his Great Aunt who clearly didn't care for his company despite the smile plastered to her face every time he entered the room, Hogwarts seemed...magical.  
  
No pun intended.  
  
He was a sixth year, now. His friends saw this as being only two years away from freedom. He saw this as being only two years from...something. He couldn't really put his finger on it, but he knew once he graduated something was going to happen. Something to change his life completely.  
  
He was part way right.  
  
"Oi! Moony, sit down already!" James Potter called from the Gryffindor table. He pointed to the seat across from his own.  
  
Remus hurried over and dropped into the empty seat. He didn't have to hurry, really, for no matter how many students were sitting at the table it seemed that there were always enough seats.  
  
"Check out the first years," Sirius Black said from his spot next to James. "They look scared."  
  
"Probably scared of you," James said with a grin. Sirius shoved him.  
  
Peter Pettigrew, who was sitting on the other side of James, smiled softly at this. Remus always liked Peter, but it was James who kept Peter protected from the other students' ridicule. It really wasn't Peter's fault that he was short or so...round.  
  
The four had met up on the train and claimed a compartment and had been, for the most part, left alone. Now in the Great Hall, things were more hectic as students were running around for places to sit, trying to sit with their friends.   
  
A girl walked over and plopped down next to Remus. "Hey, guys," she said breathlessly. Her long red hair was messy from the wind and soaked from the rain.  
  
"Hey, Lily," they chorused in return.  
  
"Helping Hagrid with the first years?" James asked.  
  
She nodded. "They don't makes girls prefects for nothing. This bunch is very...jumpy. Of course it didn't help that two of the boats were knocked over by the squid."  
  
"Everyone all right?" Remus asked.  
  
Lily nodded again. "Just cold and wet."  
  
Sirius sniggered.  
  
"What?"  
  
There was a silence, except for the sound of Sirius' muffled laughter, and she asked again.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Sirius seems to have reverted to the mindset of a twelve year old and found you saying 'wet' to be quite amusing," James replied, digging his elbow into Sirius' ribs.  
  
Lily then laughed. "That's funny, but I don't think any reverting was involved on the count of Sirius."  
  
It took him a moment, but Sirius then shouted, "Hey!"   
  
At the exact same moment Dumbledore had stood and the rest of the room had quieted. A ripple of laughter crossed them room and the Headmaster smiled.  
  
"Thank you for the greeting, Mister Black. Now, we're going have the sorting ceremony..."  
  
"Very smooth, Padfoot," James muttered.  
  
An hour later, the feast was on its last leg and some people began to get up to leave. The four boys and Lily were some of the last to leave, so when the reached the large portrait hole that led to the Gryffindor common room, they weren't surprised to see the hall empty.   
  
"Rambletwist," Lily said to the fat lady and the portrait swung open. They all entered the common room, which, unlike the hall, was extraordinarily active.   
  
Remus looked at the people who were everywhere. He inhaled sharply. "I'm going to bed."  
  
"It's our first night at Hogwarts since the holiday!" Peter said. "Don't you want to stay out here with us?"  
  
"Yeah, but uh -"  
  
"That time of the month?" Sirius asked, straight faced.  
  
James and Peter burst out laughing, as did Lily, who found it amusing, though she didn't understand the extent of the joke.  
  
Remus smiled. "Last week," he replied.  
  
Even Sirius snickered that time. "Fine then, monthly cycle boy, you go to bed while the rest of us party."  
  
"I wouldn't party too much," Lily advised after a moment. "Classes. Tomorrow."  
  
"Damn."  
  
Remus shook his head and stalked off toward the dorm he shared with his friends and another boy named Parrish Patil.   
  
He walked into the empty dorm room. He peered around and spotted his ratty trunk at the foot of one of the beds. He walked over calmly and sat down on the plush blankets. He ran his hands over the fabric, getting the feel of it once again.   
  
His own linens at home weren't nearly as nice. He smoothed out the red blanket, and tried to put the thin, grey linens he had slept on throughout the summer out of his mind.   
  
Without even getting out of his robes, he laid down on the bed and stretched out on the comforter. It wasn't long before he had fallen asleep.  
  
*  
  
"Remus...Remus...Remus. Wake up," came a loud sleepy monotone. Sirius brought down a fist onto Remus' arm with every syllable.   
  
After a long moment, he finally rolled over and grabbed Sirius' fist just as it almost hit him in the face. "What?"  
  
"It's morning," he replied, pulled his hand away. "Didn't want you to be late."  
  
Remus sat up and looked around. "Where's everyone else?"  
  
"Already down in the hall. James said to let you sleep, but I wasn't going to let you sleep until noon. I'm going on down, I say you shower because, man, you stink."  
  
"Thanks," Remus said dryly. He rolled off the bed and grabbed for his clothes.   
  
Sirius trotted out the door, and Remus slowly followed.  
  
Ten minutes later, he was walking down into the Great Hall. He spotted James, Peter, and Sirius sitting near the middle of the Gryffindor table. He began walking down that way when he was stopped.  
  
"Remus?"  
  
He turned and looked and saw Lily standing there. "Oh, hey."  
  
"Are you okay? You seemed pretty distant last night, and, well, you slept a lot," she said, giving a small smile on the second part, as if she thought it was silly.   
  
Remus blinked. "I - I'm fine," he stammered, surprised.  
  
"Oh, okay," she said. "Just, uh, making sure."  
  
"Thanks," he said absently as he walked over to where his friends were sitting. He looked down at his plate as the food appeared. He grabbed for his spoon.  
  
"What'd Lily want?" James asked.  
  
Remus took a big bite of his oatmeal, but everyone knows that one can't chew on oatmeal for very long, no matter the size of the bite. But he wasn't exactly sure why he didn't want to answer the question about Lily. He knew that James liked her, and had since the first day of school in their first year, but she had treated all of them as friends, and nothing more.   
  
"Nothing," he replied as he swallowed.   
  
James grunted.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Don't mind Prongs, he's just jealous that Lily talked to you over him. I don't know why he's been pining over her for six years and is too much of a wuss to do anything about it."  
  
"I'm not a wuss!" James protested. "I just..."  
  
"You're taking things slowly?" Sirius guessed.  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"So, if you've been going on about her for six years, and say that you start a relationship today. So, normal people date for about six months or so before moving onto the next big step - sex, of course. So, I give you about three years for that. Another five years for discussing marriage. Then you get another four years before you finally get up the nerve to ask her to marry you. Then you're engaged for, say, another five years. How old would that make you when you got married?"  
  
"Thirty-three," Remus replied, looking down at his empty bowl. He had been continually eating as this conversation had gone on. "And a half."  
  
"Where did you get a half from?" Peter asked curiously.  
  
"I doubted that James would do everything exactly on the year. It was a probability quotient."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I'm not going to be thirty-three when I get married," James muttered.  
  
"Add a year onto all of that?" Sirius asked, beginning to grin.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"C'mon, Moony, join in on the fun," Sirius said, flashing his werewolf friend a grin. "It's definitely the torture Prongs day."  
  
"No thanks," Remus replied. "I find it better to keep my opinions of the opposite sex to myself. Even those of Prongs' love life."  
  
"That's not fun," Sirius said with a pout.  
  
Thank you, James mouthed to Remus.  
  
Remus smiled, but the truth of the matter was he knew having a realtionship with a girl was virtually impossible and that slowly led to keeping his mouth closed on all matters dealing with females. He didn't even bother.  
  
"Come on, guys," Peter said standing up, a piece of toast still in his hand, "we should probably get to class. Divination starts in a few minutes and I hate climbing up all those stairs."  
  
"Hate divination," Remus muttered standing up.  
  
"It's not like Trelawney is going to figure out your secret, Moony," James said. "She's been here for a billion years and she's never made a real prediction. I doubt out of all the horrible things that could happen to you, she would, out of the air choose that you're a were - Moony. I mean, you could somehow end...doing something a lot worse."  
  
Remus nodded. "Good point. Let's go."  
  
They were walking out of the hall when Lily ran up beside them. "All my friends have Muggle Studies first. They were smart and quit divination after their fourth year."  
  
"Are you saying we're not your friends?" Sirius asked, looking insulted.  
  
"Wish I had done that," Remus said at the same time.  
  
"How did you know we had divination?" James asked.  
  
"I meant all of my...breakfast friends. You guys are my...divination friends. And I knew that because, well, I snuck a peek at your schedules," she admitted with a sheepish smile. "I wish I had quit too, but I don't need to take Muggle Studies, I've already learned enough. But I think I'm really beginning to get the hang of crystal gazing."  
  
"Make up stuff?" James asked. "And you looked at our schedules?"  
  
She grinned. "Not exactly. The best thing to do is just let your mind wander and think of the first thing that comes to your mind. If you concentrate on that long enough the fog sort of begins to make a picture." She chose to ignore the second part of James' comment.  
  
"Like a real picture?" Peter asked.  
  
"No, not really. More like...an imaginary picture."  
  
"In other words you have no idea what you're doing," Sirius said.  
  
"If you want to put it that way. Ugh, I hate all these stairs," Lily commented as they reached the north tower.  
  
"Me too," Peter said with a smile.   
  
They trooped up the stairs and reached the top of the tower just as the class was beginning. They all slumped down in the nearest chairs, breathless from having ran up the stairs.  
  
"The fates told me you would be late," came the low, frothy voice of Professor Trelawney.  
  
Sirius let out a loud yawn. James tried to kick him underneath the table, but missed and ended up kicking Lily in the shin.  
  
"Ow!" she cried out.  
  
"Aieee!" James said, sounding just as shocked. "I'm so sorry."  
  
"It's okay," she replied. "Just, uh, class. Back to you, Professor."  
  
Trelawney's wide eyes looked slightly annoyed. Haughtily, she said, "I knew this class was going to begin late."  
  
Sirius snorted, and this time James only glared at him.  
  
"Remus Lupin," Trelawney said suddenly.  
  
Remus' head shot up. "Yes?"  
  
"What do you see in the orb?"  
  
Looking slightly relieved, he turned the crystal ball. He decided to use Lily's method of things, but unfortunately, the only thing coming to mind was how he was going to be exposed and then kicked out of Hogwarts. So, he went with the old standby. Making stuff up.  
  
"Uh, I...see, um...a person," he said, staring hard into the orb, praying that he would see something. Anything at this point would do.  
  
"Where are they?" Trewlaney prompted.  
  
"...by the lake?"  
  
"What do they look like?"  
  
Shit, Remus thought to himself. He swallowed. "Er, uh, they're uh, they have red hair."  
  
Everyone in the class looked over at Lily, who smiled weakly at them.   
  
"What are they doing by the lake?" Trelawney asked, her eyes wide, waiting for something terrible to happen.  
  
"Falling in," Remus said automatically. He blinked at the crystal, and for a moment, he could have sworn he saw a flash of red. He shook his head. "They, they can't swim."  
  
"Do they drown?" Trelawney asked, her eyes growing, if possible, even wider.  
  
"No, uh, someone is saving them..." Remus said, amazed at the words coming out of his mouth. He stared hard at the crystal ball, and suddenly water splashed up against the inside of the orb. Surprised, Remus jumped back, making his chair topple over. He hit the ground in a heap.  
  
"Whoa! Buddy, you all right?" Sirius asked, getting out of his chair to help Remus up.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just...there was water," he replied, a little dazed.   
  
"Water?"  
  
"Yeah, uh, never mind. That was just weird."  
  
"Do you want to go see Madam Pomfrey?" Lily asked.   
  
"No, I'm okay. Really."  
  
"If you're sure," James said, looking concerned.  
  
"I'm *fine*," Remus insisted as he picked up his chair. He set it upright and promptly sat down. He glanced at the rather dry crystal ball with a little mist floating around inside of it.   
  
"Ooh, the fates told me of this, but I was trying to deny it!" Trelawney said excitedly.  
  
"What?" Parrish Patil asked, his brow furrowed.  
  
"That one would fall into the lake and be drowned." She looked at Lily with pity. "I'm sorry, my dear."  
  
Lily looked at the Professor, appearing to be slightly disgusted.  
  
"Wait a second," said a tall girl with long folds of blonde hair, "he said that the person was saved - and he never even said it was Lily."  
  
"Red hair, and then he saw the water in the orb. The water meant that the girl and her rescuer were going to be killed," Trelawney said, seriously and sincere. She continued to go on with this for the rest of the class. Even when they had moved onto other things, she would suddenly start going into the meanings waters in the orb.  
  
Finally, the class let out and they were free to go. Once they reached the bottom of the tower, Lily exploded.  
  
"That was the biggest piece of shit I've ever heard in my life!"  
  
All four boys stopped and stared at her.  
  
She swirled around and looked at them. "What?"  
  
"We, uh, just never heard you talk like that," Sirius said. "Glad to know you're a real person just like the rest of us."  
  
She smirked. "I'm just as real as the next person. Say, Remus, why'd you have to pick on me, huh?"  
  
"I didn't mean to. Just after the whole thing with James kicking you -"  
  
"Which was an accident," James put in.  
  
"Right, accident. It was just the first thing that came to my mind," Remus explained. "Just using your technique," he added, since it was partially the truth.  
  
She sighed, but smiled. "I figure that's all right, then. But if I go near that lake, you're coming with me."  
  
"You believe my fake prediction?"  
  
"Well, if I fall in, you'll be the nearest person so you'll jump in after me. Then you'll drown just like me," Lily said brightly. "And then we'll be even because now every time I walk into that damned room, Trelawney is going to give me the big teary-eyed look for the rest of the year."  
  
"Fair enough," Remus said with a smile.   
  
"I'm glad we think so. So, what do you guys have next?"  
  
"Uh, we're meeting up with the other half of the Gryffindors and the Hufflepuffs for Charms," Peter said.  
  
They through the castle and down the halls and just before they entered the Professor Flitwick's Remus grabbed onto James' arm and pulled him back from the crowd.  
  
"What the-" James started, but was quickly shushed by the look on Remus' face.  
  
Remus dragged James, who was at least half a size bigger, down the hall and into an empty boys toilet.   
  
"What is this?" James asked, sounding surprised and curious.  
  
"I didn't make up the prediction," Remus said hurriedly. "I was making it up at first, but then I saw something red. And then...the water."  
  
"What? Water? What are you talking about? You're not making any sense."  
  
Remus took a deep breath and started again. "The prediction. I didn't make it up."  
  
"You actually saw something in the crystal ball?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You're the first. Ever."  
  
"Shut up, James. I'm telling you, because you're the most levelheaded. I thought Sirius would be the one to make fun of me about it," Remus said, sounding slightly angry.  
  
"Okay, man, I'll listen," James said, trying to keep from smiling.  
  
Remus ignored the smile and continued. "I saw something red. Red hair, maybe, I don't know. It was just red. And then I saw water, like real water, not just a vision of it. It splashed up against the inside of the ball."  
  
"So you're saying that Lily is going to drown and whoever tries to save her is going to die?" James questioned slowly.  
  
"I don't know. I don't know if it was Lily. But if someone falls into that lake, someone is going to save them. If they both drown or not, I...just, I don't know."  
  
"Okay, we just keep every redhead in the school away from the lake for...the rest of their lives? How long do you think it should be until we're in the safe zone?"  
  
"You're not taking this seriously," Remus said, walking toward the door.  
  
"I am!" James exclaimed. "If Lily's in danger, you know I'll want to keep her as safe as I possibly can."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I know that."  
  
"So. What do we do?"  
  
Remus shrugged. "I don't know. We don't even know that it *is* Lily."  
  
"But it's someone, right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"If it's a Slytherin, do we have to save them?" James asked, a teasing glint to his eyes.  
  
"Just for you, no. C'mon, I bet class has started already," Remus said, opening the door.  
  
"We're making a habit of being late," James said as he walked out in the hall. He turned around and faced his friend. "Remus, you...I mean, Lily's going to be okay, right?"  
  
Remus shrugged. "I don't know."  
  
James sighed heavily. "You guys know I like Lily, and every year we end up spending more and more time with her. I think - I think I might be in love with her."  
  
Remus' face stayed still.  
  
"You won't tell anyone, will you? Because she can't know. Sirius is right. I'm not making a move, but it's because I'm so scared it will be the wrong one."  
  
"I won't tell."  
  
"Thanks, man. I knew I could trust you with this," James said. He gave Remus a slight smack on the shoulder and then trotted down the hall into class. Remus reluctantly followed.  
  
*  
  
Lily flopped down on one of the chairs in the common room. "Oh, I am so glad to be in here and not out there in another bloody class!"  
  
"I thought all prefects were a bunch of know-it-alls who love school," Sirius said smartly, sitting down in the chair across from her's.  
  
"Well, you thought wrong," she replied. "I mean, I like school, and I get good grades, but this day just seemed to last forever."  
  
"First day always does," James said. He folded his arms across the back of her chair and rest his chin on top of his arms. He looked down at her with a smile. "Tomorrow should be shorter."  
  
"Tomorrow? Potions with the Slytherins. I don't think that exactly qualifies as short."  
  
"Potions," Peter said in a horrified squeak. Lily tossed him a reassuring smile, and he gave her a slow reluctant smile in return.  
  
Remus had grabbed a chair from a nearby table and sat it down next to Lily's chair. He sat down. "I wouldn't let the Slytherins bother you this year. They're a bunch of prats, anyway."  
  
"Especially that Snape," James growled.  
  
"*Especially* Snape. You shouldn't let him get to you," Remus said gently.  
  
"So he can just say rude things to me and think that they're getting to me? I think you would have thought better than that."  
  
"If you react, he knows they're getting to you!"  
  
"Bugger off, Moony," James said, stalking away.  
  
Peter jumped up and followed after James.   
  
Sirius glared at Remus for a minute and then followed Peter.  
  
Remus sighed and rubbed his eyes. He often felt like the outsider between James and Sirius. And Peter never really seemed to be part of their group. But the last thing he wanted was division. Especially over something so minor.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
Remus jumped. He had almost forgotten that Lily was still there. "Oh, yeah. It's...odd. James never acts like that, defensive. At least not over something so menial."  
  
"You *were* being rather contradicting of him."  
  
"I suppose."  
  
"I think James sees himself as the leader of your group and no one questions the leader," Lily said softly, but clearly meaning what she said.  
  
"But he's not like that at all," Remus defended. "I couldn't see him thinking of himself - and us- in that way. He's more just a little...high strung lately."  
  
"Why?" she asked with genuine curiosity.  
  
Remus thought for a moment and then said, "There are just a lot of things on his mind. I probably should have just kept quiet in the first place."  
  
"I think you're wrong," Lily said, her brow furrowed seriously. "About James."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"He does see himself as the leader. You don't see it, though, because you see yourself as a follower."  
  
"I'm not a follower," Remus snapped.  
  
Lily stared at him, undaunted. Then her gaze softened. "Let's go walk."  
  
"Walk?"  
  
"Yeah. That thing where we leave the house and go somewhere else by the means of moving our legs."  
  
Feeling suddenly lighter, Remus laughed. He nodded. "Let's walk."   
  
They both stood and wandered outside. The day was at that point where it was light enough to see, but dark enough to want a light. That thought in mind, Lily pulled out her wand.  
  
"Lumos," she muttered.  
  
They walked quietly for a while, when Remus spoke up.  
  
"Why do you see James like that?"  
  
Lily shrugged. "He just comes across that way. Not like giving orders, leader. Just the guy in charge. And it's so obvious that Sirius is the second and Peter is the...pity case."  
  
Remus laughed, but loyally said, "Peter's not a pity case."  
  
She looked over at Remus with raised eyebrows and he relented.  
  
"All right, Peter's the pity case. What does that make me? Secretary?"  
  
She smiled. "No...you're a mystery, Remus Lupin. The quiet one." She looked at him, her green eyes shining in the small light of her wand. "I can't figure you out."  
  
Remus smiled to himself, looking away from the light and into the impending darkness. "Well," he said after a long minute, "I have to admit I feel the same way about you."  
  
Lily looked at him, surprised. "Do you?"  
  
They walked further out into the Hogwarts ground.  
  
"I suppose."  
  
"You suppose?" she repeated, her voice somewhere between laughter and exasperation. "What do you mean by that?"  
  
"Nothing," he said. To that she smacked him with her wand. While she wasn't shocked enough that she had done that, to make matters worse she hadn't kept a tight grasp on it and the handle end flung from her hand and her wand was tossed a few feet ahead of them. She gasped and ran over to the small light in the grass. She knelt down beside it, picked it up gently, and began to inspect.  
  
"Is it all right?" Remus asked, coming up behind her.  
  
"I think it's all right," she replied, still hunched over her wand, rolling it around in her hands. "Luckily, you're not buff."  
  
"Thank you," he replied sounding slightly irritated.  
  
"I'm kidding," Lily said absently. She was still looking worriedly at her wand.  
  
Remus pulled out his own wand. "Lumos," he said quickly. He pointed the light down at Lily's wand. "It's fine."  
  
"If you say so," she said, standing up straight, more quickly than she should have. The blood rushed from her head, causing a fast dizzy spell. "Oh," she said slowly, moving her hand to her head. For a moment she lost her footing and made a few small steps to the side.   
  
"You all right?" Remus asked, thoughtlessly reaching a hand out to her arm.   
  
"Yeah, just...got up too fast," she replied, her voice still a little faint. She stepped out away from him, and slipped in mud, loosing her balance completely and falling backwards into the lake, her red hair flailing behind her.  
  
The first thing Remus thought was how close they were to the lake. He could have sworn that they hadn't been walking that long. It hit him then what had just happened. Without another pointless thought, he jumped in after her.   
  
Remus, his illuminated wand in front of him, swam down to where she was. He couldn't actually see her, but saw the struggling light of her wand. He was growing tired quickly, but the thought of Lily sinking to the bottom of the lake kept him going.  
  
He finally caught up with her, grabbing onto her wrist. He pulled her up to where he could easily wrap his arm around her and help pull her up.   
  
He suddenly wished he had taken a deeper breath as they swam to the surface. His lungs were burning and all he wanted to do was inhale.   
  
After what seemed like hours, which was only a minute or two, they reached the surface and both gave a loud, inhaling gasp. Remus led the swimming over to the muddy shore.  
  
They sat, silent, on the shore for a long time. Lily was self consciously ringing out her hair while Remus fiddled with his wand.   
  
"Is that what you saw?" she asked hoarsely.  
  
"No," he replied. "When I saw it I was watching from far away. And it was daylight. And I wasn't there."  
  
"But you did see this. Or at least something like it."  
  
"I guess. I mean, it happened. Fell in the lake. But not like Trelawney said. We're both still alive."  
  
She nodded slowly. And then sounding like a little girl she said, "I want to go back inside."   
  
"Me too," he replied quietly. He stood and then helped her up.  
  
As they entered the common room and were about to part to the their seperate ways, Lily grabbed onto Remus' wrist tightly. He looked at her, curious, but his face was still.  
  
"Thanks for saving me," she said. "Even if this wasn't your prediction, one thing was right. I can't swim. If I had been out there by myself I would have drowned."  
  
"If you had been out there by yourself you wouldn't have fallen in the first place. I had to save you," he replied. With his free hand, he self consiously ran his fingers through his wet, matted hair.   
  
"You're still a mystery, Remus, but speaking honestly, I would really like to unlock a little...of you."  
  
He coughed, clearly shocked. Lily dropped his wrist and quickly crossed her arms over his chest.   
  
"Sorry," she muttered and began to hurry away from him.  
  
"I - I - It's okay!" Remus stumbled over his words, not sure what to say. But it was too soon that Lily was out of sight. He sighed.  
  
"Shit," he said aloud to the empty common room. He turned and walked up to his own room. 


	2. The Passage

Chapter Two: The Passage  
  
  
The next morning Remus walked down to breakfast alone. He looked over at where James, Sirius, and Peter were sitting. They noticed him and stared back. Finally, James broke out into a grin and motioned for him to come over.  
  
Remus stood still for a moment, contemplating. He then walked over to them and sat down next to Sirius.   
  
"Sorry about last night," Remus muttered.  
  
"It's all right," James said. "I figure we better make up before you go spouting off my secrets."  
  
"I think I should be the one worried about that," Remus replied pointedly.  
  
"Moony has a point," Sirius said with a grin. "Come on, get some breakfast, eh?"  
  
Remus nodded and watched carefully as the food appeared on his plate. Eggs and toast this morning. Much easier to chew on for long amounts of time.  
  
"Hey, uh, Remus," James started, "I heard that someone fell into the lake last night. You were up later than the rest of us - we didn't even hear you come in - do you know who it was?"  
  
After swallowing his rather large sized bite of toast, Remus replied, "A Slytherin. Third year. At least that's what I heard."  
  
Both James and Sirius grinned.   
  
"All right, Slytherins are falling," Sirius said. "I bet they get fifty points off for being out late."  
  
"Was it a redheaded Slytherin?" James asked. He jammed a piece of toast into his mouth.  
  
"I don't know. Probably," Remus said.  
  
"Does it matter?" Peter asked. "We know that it wasn't Lily that fell in. Trelawney was wrong."  
  
"What's new?" James asked.  
  
Remus shoved his eggs around his plate. He felt bad for lying. And what if Lily told them the truth? He bit his lip carefully, and then realized that he should probably go tell Lily what he had said. He looked at his friends. "I'll be right back."  
  
The other three boys looked at him, confused, but Remus was up and away before they could question him.   
  
"Didn't even finish his breakfast," Peter said, looking at the half eaten eggs.  
  
"He should have. He's a growing pup," Sirius said, nabbing Remus' leftover toast.  
  
*  
  
Remus had searched out the hall, but didn't find Lily anywhere. He recognized one of her friends, a brunette girl...what was her name? Ella? Something like that.   
  
"Hey, um, Ella?"  
  
When the girl didn't turn, he took a deep breath and tapped her shoulder. She turned that time and gave him a flirtatious smile. "Hi."  
  
"Hi, um, is Lily around at all? Did she come to breakfast?"   
  
At the mention of Lily's name, Ella's (or whatever her name actually was) smile disappeared. "You must be Remus. That's right, you hang out with Sirius Black."  
  
"Right, I do. Is Lily all right?" Remus said hurriedly, trying to get to the point.  
  
"She's fine, I suppose, for coming in last night late and soaking wet. She was going on about how she can't ever talk to you again."  
  
"She can't or she won't?"  
  
"She said she can't. But as her friend I don't think I should tell you anymore."  
  
"Wait, though, why can't she talk to me?"  
  
"I shouldn't tell you this, but I think she's embarrassed. I don't know if it's from falling into the lake, or what," said the girl sometimes known as Ella.   
  
"She fell into the lake?" Remus asked, his voice growing high.   
  
"That's what I figure. I was the only one up at the time, and I know it wasn't raining."  
  
"I heard it was a Slytherin third year who fell in," he said, averting his eyes.  
  
"Oh...ohhh. You were there and that's why she can't talk to you."  
  
"Something like that," Remus replied. "Tell the story about the Slytherin?"  
  
"If it's making them look bad, sure."  
  
"And will you tell Lily something for me?"  
  
"Ella" looked apprehensive. "What is it?"  
  
Remus shuffled his feet, a little embarrassed. "If she's still curious, I've got a key."  
  
She smiled, not knowing what this meant, but sure that it meant something romantic. "Yeah, I'll do that."  
  
From across the hall, another girl called, "Emily! Come on, it's almost time for class!"  
  
Emily, Remus thought, that's right.   
  
She turned to Remus. "I have to go. Lily'll be in class, but I'll be sure to give her your message first thing." She grinned again and scurried away.  
  
Remus sighed. He wasn't exactly sure if putting his message into the hands of Emily was all that great of an idea, afraid that it might be spread around the school by the time Potions was over, but what other option did he have? He knew now that Lily wasn't talking to him. Which wasn't something he wanted.  
  
Then a thought struck him. James.  
  
James had confided in him, trust him, and now what was he doing? This was wrong, it was clearly wrong. So, why wasn't he stopping himself? Why didn't he just let Lily not speak to him? It would make things so much easier. But something inside of himself didn't want that. The last thing he wanted was for Lily to not speak to him.  
  
Because you don't want to lose Lily as a friend, Remus told himself firmly. He sighed. I shouldn't be this involved. I shouldn't be doing this, he thought.  
  
"Moony?"  
  
He spun around and saw Sirius standing there. "Yeah?"  
  
"You okay?"  
  
Remus nodded quickly. "Fine."  
  
"I'm not sure about that. You're acting really weird. And who was the cutie you were talking to?"  
  
"Emily something," he replied absently.   
  
"Like that," Sirius said. "Acting strangely. Come on, tell your best buddy Padfoot."  
  
"It's nothing," Remus said as he turned and walked away.  
  
"That! That's not normalcy!"  
  
He didn't look back.  
  
Sirius frowned. People always listened to him! He turned in the other direction and went back to the table, frustrated.  
  
*  
  
What the hell do you think you're doing? Remus yelled at himself as he went into the corridor. "Do you really think they're not going to figure something out if you keep acting like a lunatic?"  
  
"If you keep talking to yourself, they will."  
  
Remus jumped. He hadn't even realized he had said that aloud. He slowly turned and saw Lily standing there, looking at him shyly. "Wow, that was fast," were the first words from his mouth.  
  
She laughed. "Emily thought what you said was terribly romantic."  
  
"What did you think?" Remus asked, tilting his head upwards a little.  
  
"It was nice."  
  
"Just nice?" He sounded disappointed.  
  
"Your metaphor was really weak," Lily said seriously. She held the serious expression for a moment and then she grinned and rolled her eyes to herself. "I thought it was terribly romantic."  
  
Remus then grinned as well. That thought entered his mind again. James. His grin fell.  
  
"Lily, I..."  
  
"What is it?" she asked, already concerned from his rapid expression change.  
  
"I like you. A lot," Remus began.  
  
"I like you too. A lot. In fact, Remus, I'm beginning to think that maybe -"  
  
"Don't say it, Lily. Please."  
  
She looked surprised. "Why not?"  
  
Before he could reply, the stampeded of students who were heading to their first class came rampaging through the doors of the Great Hall and into the corridor.  
  
Remus latched onto Lily's wrist, as she had his the night before. "Let's go!"  
  
"What about Potions?" she called over the commotion.  
  
"Skip it!"  
  
She, at first, grinned at the idea, but realistically said, "I can't. I'm a prefect!"  
  
Remus caught sight of James and the others coming through the crowd. He gave Lily's wrist a tug. "Then let's go another way."  
  
Her eyes grew wide and a her grin grew. She nodded and let herself be led down the hall in the opposite direction of everyone else. Once they had turned a few corners, Lily spoke up.  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
"The dungeon," Remus replied with a smile.  
  
"This isn't the way to the dungeon."  
  
"No, I suppose not."  
  
"Then where are we going?" she asked with her laughter-filled exasperation.   
  
"I told you. We're going to the dungeon. Just not, well, scrupulously."  
  
"Only you would use the word scrupulously."  
  
"And only you would know what it meant," Remus muttered.  
  
It seemed to just strike Lily what he said. "What do you mean we're not going scrupulously? Are we going to get in trouble for this?"  
  
"If we get caught, most probably."  
  
"I never pegged you for the trouble making type. I could have sworn that was more for the line of Sirius and James."  
  
James. Right. James. Friend.  
  
"I can be a rebel if I want to," Remus replied with a wry smile.   
  
"I'm a prefect. I can't get in trouble," Lily said nervously. "I don't know what would happen if I got in trouble. McGonagall would be so disappointed."  
  
"Have no fear, I'll have us out of sight in no time."  
  
"Remus, you are not acting like you at all."  
  
"I know," he replied breathily. It would have been exciting if he hadn't been so scared. He wasn't afraid of being caught by a teacher - he had used this passageway a before - he was afraid of being caught by James.   
  
Finally, they reached the tall tapestry of the infamous wizard, Octavio Dilariumus.   
  
"What are we doing here?" Lily asked. She looked up at the fabric woven wizard. He looked down at her and waved, a big smile on his face. Warily, she waved in return.  
  
Remus grinned. He grabbed one side of the tapestry and pushed it to the side. Behind the picture was a stone wall. Lily looked less than impressed.  
  
But Remus wasn't finished. He pulled out his wand and muttered, "Adumbrate." He tapped the wall. Starting from the floor, a small crack began to appear. It moved slowly up the wall and then made a clean point. Making into a perfect triangle, the crack moved back down to the other side of the floor. Remus then simply pushed the large stone triangle, and it moved to the side. Behind it was a path.  
  
"Come on," he said walking into the passage.  
  
"What the hell is this?" Lily asked.  
  
"Secret passage," he replied. He grabbed onto her arm. "Come on!"  
  
Looking extremely unsure, positive that this was against the rules, Lily once again let herself be led by Remus.   
  
Once she got in past the stone triangle, the tapestry fell down over the wall. Remus turned and pushed the triangle back into place. It fit in perfectly and only seconds later, the cracks were once again sealed.  
  
"We're going to be horribly late," Lily said, more to herself than to Remus.  
  
"Probably," he agreed, "but we should talk. And this will give us some privacy."  
  
"You're right. Talk." She seemed nervous again.  
  
He shifted his eyes to her and then away. "Lily, I've known you for a while and I really think I've gotten to know you well." Remus was struggling, beating around the bush. "And I-"  
  
"If you're willing, I would love to go out with you," Lily said so quickly her words almost melted together. She was looking down at the ground.  
  
He blinked. This didn't happen everyday.   
  
"What?"  
  
She let out a tiny laugh. "I've sort of had this little...crush on you for a while now."  
  
"Me?" He sounded disbelieved.  
  
She looked suddenly embarrassed. "I shouldn't have told you that."  
  
Remus was quiet for a long moment before hoarsely replying, "I didn't know."  
  
"Why do you think I hang out with your guys so much? Too get on Sirius' good side? I mean, I'm female. I'm already there."  
  
He didn't reply.  
  
"You feel the same way, right?"  
  
This was moving too fast.  
  
"Remus?"  
  
And James. What was he going to do about James?  
  
Lily reached out and touched his shoulder. "Remus?"  
  
He jumped. "Yeah?"  
  
"You okay? You were totally out of it."  
  
"I'm fine," he replied right away. "Just...thinking."  
  
"About what?" she asked gently.  
  
"You, this...James."  
  
"James? What about him?"  
  
"I'm breaking a promise by telling you this, but he told me something." Remus swallowed. This is bad. This wrong. Back out now.   
  
"If it's breaking a promise -"  
  
"He thinks he's in love with you."  
  
Lily nodded. "I know."  
  
Remus looked at her, surprised. "You know?"  
  
"He's pretty obvious. And he's sweet, but...Remus, it's you that I like. Love, even. I don't know! I just - I don't want to let this go without trying. And then yesterday you were acting like you felt the same way and today with that message. I don't know what to think." Lily stopped walking and sat down on the stone floor.  
  
Remus also stopped. He sat down next to her. "Me either. But I know that this really weird. And that when I'm around you, I feel out of control. I don't act like myself when I'm with you. I'm someone else."  
  
She looked at the floor. "Is that good?"  
  
Going out on a limb, he reached over and touched her face. She looked at him. He smiled.  
  
"Good or not, being with you makes me want to be a better person. When I'm with you, I am that better person."  
  
"That is so cliché," she replied tonelessly, looking away.  
  
"I can't be with you though."  
  
Her face jerked up in surprise. "You don't? After all that, you don't want to be with me?"  
  
"I do! I just - I can't. Lily, I like you a lot, but James. I can't do this to James. He told me how he felt about you, how strongly he felt, and he didn't tell anyone else. Not even Sirius. He trusted me with that and I can't betray that trust," Remus said.  
  
"Friends come before girlfriends," Lily agreed. "I understand. But now that it's out in the open, I don't know if I'll be able to look at you and not wonder what could have been."  
  
They sat silent in that for a long moment.   
  
"We're already late for Potions," Lily said standing up. Remus stood as well. She began hurrying down the passage way. He followed her at just a little slower of a pace. When he finally reached her, he grabbed onto her arm and swung her around to where she was facing him. She looked at him, surprised. She was even more surprised when he kissed her.  
  
"Wha - what was that?" she asked, her eyes open wide, after their lips had parted.  
  
"I told you, I don't act like myself when I'm around you," Remus replied. His breathing was off its regular, even pattern.  
  
"I wish you would because you're freaking me out."  
  
"I'll try," he said with a smile.   
  
They stood there looking at each other for a minute.  
  
"I have an idea," Lily said suddenly.  
  
"Oh?"  
  
She hesitated. "What if...we saw each other in secret? That way we could see if this will work, and if it doesn't, James will never know. And then it won't matter."  
  
"What if it does work out?" Remus asked.  
  
"My plan hasn't reached that far. I'm still at the James not finding out stage."  
  
It's not just about James. It's about me. It's about me hurting you. Lying to you. Having you think I'm something that I'm so clearly not. I can't do that to you. I can't, I just can't. Not to you, not to your heart. What I could do. What it could do to me, the truth of how you make me feel. James is only the excuse to avoid telling you what I am. The monster that lies beneath.   
  
He nodded. "Let's do it."  
  
Her eyes lit up. "Really?"  
  
"Yeah. I feel kind of strange, not telling anyone, especially James, but it's the only chance we've got without hurting anyone."  
  
"Except ourselves," Lily said softly.  
  
Remus touched her cheek softly. "Let's not even think about that."  
  
She smiled and nodded. "Right. There's a whole world of opportunity just waiting for us. We need to reach out and take it while we can." She paused. "Right?"  
  
He grinned. "Right."  
  
"You're mocking me!" she exclaimed.  
  
"No, just...okay, yes."  
  
"Come on, we might as well show up for Potions," Remus said, gently pulling Lily down the passage.  
  
"We'll get points from Gryffindor, points that haven't even been issued," she said.  
  
"I don't think you can get negative points."  
  
"Then let's go."  
  
They walked down into the passage further, when they came to a small wooden door. Remus simply pushed it open and they both ducked underneath the tiny doorframe.  
  
"We're right outside the dungeon," Lily said simply.  
  
"I told you this was where we were going. You just have to watch for people when it's busy," Remus replied, closing the door.   
  
"I never noticed that door before," she said absently, looking down at it.  
  
"No one does. I found that passage only a few days before school ended last term. I don't think anyone knows about it. Not even Filch."  
  
"Do the other boys know about it?"  
  
"If you mean James, Sirius, and Peter, then no. As far as I know, I'm the only one who does."  
  
"Hm."  
  
"Hm?"  
  
Lily smiled. "Just thinking. If we're the only one who knows about it, it could be where we go when we meet. When we're not skipping classes."  
  
Remus smiled as well. "I think that's a great idea."  
  
"Come on. We're late."  
  
*  
  
Over the next two months, Remus and Lily kept their relationship on low. No one, to their knowledge, knew or even noticed. Besides the secret keeping, only one thing made it not perfect.  
  
"My grandmother is ill," Remus said. "I have to go and help my aunt care for her. I should probably only be gone a few days."  
  
"Wasn't she ill only a few weeks ago?" Lily asked.  
  
Damnit, Remus thought. "No, that was my cousin. My family has a poor immune system. Or something like that."  
  
She didn't seem exactly pleased by hearing that. She only sighed and rested her head onto his shoulder. "Will you be back for the Halloween feast?"  
  
Full moon was three days before Halloween so -   
  
"Of course I will be. I wouldn't miss it for the world."  
  
"Good. I really want you there."  
  
He looked at her questioningly. "Why?"  
  
"Things have been going so well. This is our first special occasion together. I wanted us to be together for it."  
  
"For what reason?" he asked suspiciously.  
  
"No reason," she replied, averting her eyes.  
  
"You want to tell?"  
  
Lily rolled her shoulders back uncomfortably. "Well, Remus, things seem to be going rather well. And it's been almost two months -"  
  
"Two months. Two months and we've got two years ahead of us. Two years where if we tell and things go sourly, we won't have anyone because we won't have Sirius and we won't have James. And knowing Peter, we won't even have him. At least I won't. You'll have your 'breakfast friends' and I'll be spending everyday alone," Remus said.  
  
"So you feel like keeping us a secret forever?" Lily's green eyes were open wide, yielding mixed emotions.  
  
"No! Not at all. I just-"  
  
"You want to keep this a secret until we graduate? Remus, no. If that's what you're thinking, it's over now. I won't do that."  
  
"I'm not saying that either. Just - just give it some time. Please. If we can't take this, we can't take anything."  
  
"Oh...I just, I can't."  
  
"Lily! This was your idea!" Remus said, exasperated.  
  
"I know, I didn't know how hard it was going to be," she replied.  
  
"If you can't hide from your friends, you can't hide from your enemies."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Lily asked, her brow furrowed.  
  
"There might be a greater evil you might have to hide from someday. If you can't keep a little secret, how are you supposed to keep a big secret?" Remus asked. He pulled his fingers gently through her hair.  
  
"Greater evil? Like," her voice dropped to a whisper, "Voldemort?"  
  
Remus didn't react. He simply sighed and said softly, "I hope not."  
  
"So. You're going to be here, then?"  
  
He nodded. "Yes. Of course."  
  
"Good."  
  
*  
  
On Halloween night the feast was already going on strong. Sirius was helping himself to his third plate of food and his seventh goblet of pumpkin juice.  
  
"That's disgusting," James said. "I don't think anyone eats that much."  
  
"It's ver gwood," Sirius replied through a mouthful of food.  
  
"We can tell," Lily said with a smile.   
  
Remus sat stiffly in his seat. He was still a little tired from his transformation three nights before. He was just glad that it was over with for another month.  
  
After finishing his second plate of food, Remus stood. "I'm going to head to bed. I'm tired."  
  
"I'm sure we're going to have a party in the common room," James said. "Don't you want to join us for that? We're going to have food from Honeydukes."  
  
"How are you going to arrange that, or do I not want to ask?" Lily said with eyebrows raised in suspicion.   
  
"You probably don't want to ask," Peter assured her.  
  
"All right then," she replied pleasantly.  
  
"I'll pass on the party," Remus said, getting back onto the subject. "I just want to get some sleep." He walked down the way past Lily. He gently brushed her back with his hand. She turned and looked at him. He glanced at her with a very discreet, at least he hoped, come-hither expression. He then continued down to the door.   
  
Lily grabbed her pumpkin juice. She quickly downed the last of it. "I think I'm going to go too. I should be there for the party, though."   
  
"All right," James said uncertainly. "But if you miss it, you're going to be missing Honeydukes' best sweets."   
  
"I wouldn't miss it for the world," she said with a smile. She then jumped up from her seat and hurried down to the door, almost running into Severus Snape.   
  
James glared at him for the simple reason of coming *near* Lily.   
  
"Lily's acting odd, don't you suppose?" Sirius said.   
  
"She's been that way for a while now," Peter agreed.   
  
"Something must be bothering her," James said.  
  
"I hate to say this, Prongs, but she might be seeing someone," Sirius said.   
  
"We would know about it, though," he argued. "It must just be some girl thing. None of us are exactly experts on such topics."   
  
"Maybe not you," Sirius replied with a prideful grin.   
  
"Let me rephrase. We're not exactly experts on their minds."   
  
"Oh. Suppose you're right."   
  
Peter only laughed.   
  
*  
  
"What is this all about?" Lily asked, as she and Remus opened their passage.   
  
"You were right in saying that this is a special occasion," he said as he pushed open the triangle. He let her in front of him. "And I think a special occasion calls for something special."   
  
"This is sounding awful romantic," she said, eyes glowing in anticipation.  
  
"Well, I tried," Remus replied, pushing the triangle back into place. "This is about as romantic as I can get."  
  
"I doubt that."  
  
They walked down the passage a small ways until they reached a curve where there were three white candles sitting on the ground. Remus walked ahead and pulled out his wand.   
  
"Accendo," he muttered. A small blue flame appeared at the end of his wand. He carefully lit the candles. The cool, dark path suddenly had a warm, yellow glow to it.   
  
"Cento," he said and the fire on his wand disappeared he then pointed to the candles. "Wingarduim Leviosa." The candles then floated about five feet in the air.  
  
"And you couldn't get anymore romantic," Lily said with a smile. "What *is* this all about?"  
  
"Sit," Remus said, "please."  
  
She obliged. He sat next to her.   
  
"Lily," he began, "I put a lot of thought into this. I love you. And I want you to be happy. I think that we should tell everyone. If you still want to. I just - I want you to be happy and if telling them about us makes you happy, then I'm all for it."  
  
It took a moment for his words to sink in, but then Lily grinned. "Oh, Remus, that's wonderful." She reached over and wrapped her arms around his neck. "But," she said, pulling away, "you were right. We should take some time. What you said - about hiding from your friends. It really struck a chord for some reason."  
  
"Listen, if you don't want to -"  
  
"I want to. You said that to make me happy. I'm saying this to make you happy." She smiled. "So be happy!"  
  
"You really want to?"  
  
"Yes, I do."  
  
Remus smiled as well. "Thank you."  
  
"And, Remus, I love you too." Lily said.   
  
He reached his hand out and gently pulled her face closer to his. He kissed her gently. She wrapped her arms around his neck again, and pushed her body closer to him. Their gentle kiss slowly moved faster and went deeper. A few moments later, Lily's pushing on him took its toll and they toppled over, her lying atop him.  
  
They giggled and then continued.  
  
After a few minutes of their passionate kissing, Lily pulled away.   
  
"Remus, do you want to...?"  
  
He blinked. "As in, fully? As in all the way?"  
  
She nodded.   
  
"Do you?"  
  
She nodded again.  
  
"Oh. All right, then."  
  
Lily laughed. "Remus, only you would be so quiet when a girl told you that she wanted to have sex with you. For her first time."  
  
"Mine as well," he replied.  
  
She didn't reply. She sat up on her knees and began to undo the buttons on her robe. Remus quickly moved his hands up to his chest do the same on his own.   
  
"You look nervous," she said. "Are you sure-"  
  
He nodded. "Just, uh..."  
  
"I get it," Lily said. She leaned down and kissed him. "We can just ease into it, okay?"  
  
Remus smiled. "Okay," he agreed softly. He reached up and kissed her again.   
  
*  
  
"I'm going to go check on Moony," James said, standing. "He's been acting odd lately, too."  
  
"He's Moony," Sirius said. "Besides, he just, er, got back a couple of days ago. We don't know what it's like for him. Except that he's tired as hell. Leave him alone."  
  
James nodded. He sat back down. "Something's just...off."  
  
"Something's always off," Peter said. "What's new?"  
  
He shook his head. "It's off," he muttered.   
  
"Get off it, Prongs," Sirius said. "Come on, here, have another serving of pudding. Look, you can have mine. If I eat anything else I'll be sick."  
  
"Nah. I'm going to run up to Honeydukes. You guys coming with me? Our party'll be starting in about an hour."  
  
"Ugh, I don't know if I'll be able to eat anything from Honeydukes tonight."  
  
"I will," Peter said with a grin.  
  
*  
  
Lily laid down next to Remus. Her cheeks were flushed, but she had a large grin across her face. They were lying atop his robes, using hers as a blanket.   
  
"Wow," he said. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders. "You're cold. Are you cold?"  
  
"I'm fine In fact, I'm on fire. I've never been better," she replied with a smile. "I love you, Remus."  
  
"I love you too, Lily."  
  
She sighed happily and snuggled into his arms. "I wonder what my mother would say if I told her that I had sex before I was married. She's proud of the whole witch thing, but she often gets...prudish when it comes to subjects like these."  
  
"My aunt doesn't care what I do," Remus said, sounding almost sad.   
  
Lily stroked his cheek. "That doesn't matter. I care enough about you for the whole world."  
  
He kissed her on the temple. The propiniquity of her made him want to make love to her again. "Thank you." 


	3. The Problem

Chapter Three: The Problem  
  
  
"We have a problem."  
  
Remus looked up from his homework. "We do?"  
  
James sat down across from him. "I think, well Padfoot thinks, that Lily is seeing someone. I told him that's stupid. I mean, if Lily was seeing someone, we would know about it, right?"  
  
"Uh, probably," Remus replied. He suddenly wished for some toast or a bagel to eat. Something to give him an excuse for not giving direct answers.  
  
"But if Sirius is right - and that's stupid in itself because Sirius is never right - why would she keep it a secret?"  
  
"Well, Prongs," Remus said slowly and carefully, "I'm sure that if Lily wanted to tell you who she was dating, given if she even is dating someone, she would tell you. But otherwise, I don't think its any of your business. Lily's our friend, but it's not as if she were, heh, dating any of us and was dating someone else on the side."  
  
James considered this for a moment. He nodded. "You're right, Moony. I'm glad you're the one I told you this about. She's probably just busy with some girl thing, anyway. Sirius said -"  
  
"You take too much on Sirius' opinion," Remus said sharply. "He likes to think that he knows everything about everyone, when in reality, he knows very little."   
  
"You - you really think that?" James asked. His eyes were open wide in shock.  
  
"Sometimes. Don't tell him I said that, will you?"  
  
"Of course not. Your secret is safe with me."   
  
Remus swallowed. "Thanks."  
  
James stood. "I have homework to do, too. Did you make any sense out of Binns' lecture today? It sounded like Latin to me. Then I fell asleep."  
  
"It was partially in Latin," Remus replied. "Which is probably why it sounded that way."  
  
"Oh. That would explain it...Moony?"  
  
"Yes, Prongs?"  
  
"If Lily was dating someone, it would probably kill me. Just the thought of her not even seeing me. If she is and I find out who he is, I might just rip him from limb to limb. And no one would be able to control me. Or stop me."  
  
*  
  
"Lily," Remus said the next day, pulling her off to the side in the corridor as she went to walk into the Great Hall for breakfast.  
  
She turned and smiled. "Remus. Good morning." It had been a week since Halloween and she still had a glow to her.  
  
"James and the others are starting to suspect something."  
  
The color drained from her face. "About us? How could they?"   
  
"Not about us. About you. They think you're dating someone. They haven't brought me into the mix yet."  
  
"Do you suppose it's time to tell them?"  
  
"Uh, no. James mentioned something to me that if you *were* dating someone, that he would probably kill him."  
  
"James? Our sweet James? I doubt that," Lily said, shaking her head.   
  
"He seemed pretty set in it. I tried to make mention of how it would hurt you if he killed your boyfriend. I was only guessing that it would."  
  
"Of course it would. Besides, he'd be thrown into Azkaban over a crush. I seriously doubt that he would kill you if he found out."   
  
Remus nodded. "You're right. But I think telling him is a bad idea. At least not until he's gotten used to the idea that you might even be dating someone."  
  
"Should I drop hints that I am? Not hints that it's you, of course, but hints that I am seeing someone?" she asked. "Just so he can get used to the idea."  
  
"That might be a good idea."  
  
Lily looked around and saw no one. She reached up and gave Remus a quick kiss. "See you later, then." She hurried away.  
  
He reached up and brushed his fingers over his lips. There was something about the taste she left...  
  
Not the time to be thinking about that now, Remus thought, bringing himself back to reality. There are more important matters to attend to.  
  
He pushed the door open into the Great Hall. He went over and sat next to Peter. "Where's Prongs?"  
  
Sirius shrugged. "Probably up in his room having a fit."  
  
"...why?"  
  
"He's depressed. Obviously, you told him that Lily was dating someone and that he should just leave it alone. He's saying something about how Lily's business is his business."  
  
"Who's saying that?"  
  
Sirius turned and saw Lily standing behind him. He blinked. "No one."  
  
"Sirius."  
  
"James is saying that. He's awful depressed because he thinks you're dating someone."  
  
Lily kept eye contact with Sirius. Her eyes flashed away for an instant to look at Remus, but they went back to Sirius. "Well, you can tell James that if he wants to be depressed he can be, but my business is *not* his business. If I am dating someone, and I chose not to tell him, it's only because I feel that he, and even you, Peter, and Remus, will over react. Something else you have no business doing."  
  
Sirius stared at her.  
  
She nodded. "Right, then." She turned, her hair spinning behind her, smacking Sirius in the face, and walked away.   
  
"Well, she got you," Peter said, looking down at his fried tomatoes. Sirius smacked him on the back of the head and told him to shut his trap.   
  
"I never told Prongs that Lily was dating someone. I told him exactly what Lily just told you. If she is, it's not his business," Remus defended himself of what Sirius had said earlier.   
  
"Fine, fine. But don't come crying to me when James blames you," Sirius said. He picked up a piece of toast and began buttering it.  
  
"Blames me for what? Blames me for the fact that Lily's dating someone?" Remus tried to sound an incredulous as possible. He had the sinking feeling that he was failing and should have probably just kept his mouth closed.  
  
"No, but, well - yes."  
  
"It's not my fault," Remus grumbled, lying through his teeth.  
  
Sirius got up and left. Probably off to get James out of bed. Peter sat there, looking over at Remus.  
  
"What?" Remus snapped, finally.  
  
"Nothing. It's just, uh, time for Herbology," Peter said in a timid voice.   
  
"Oh. Sorry, Wormtail."  
  
"It's all right. Come on."  
  
They walked out of the hall and down the corridor. They walked to the Herbology room and as they went to go inside, they ran into Sirius and James.  
  
James looked as if he hadn't gotten any sleep. He had dark rings beneath his eyes, and his eyes were bloodshot. His eyes looked to be a darker brown than usual; darker in every way, to be exact. It also appeared that he had slept, or at least laid in bed, wearing the same robes he was wearing now.   
  
"Morning, James," Peter said.   
  
James nodded in his general direction.  
  
Lily walked down the hall with a couple of her other "breakfast friends." They stopped and looked at James.  
  
"Oh my God, James, are you all right?" Emily asked. She looked at him with concern. Lily looked over at Remus with questioning look. He only shrugged.  
  
"Fine," James muttered at Emily. He looked over at Lily. "I'm fine," he said pointedly.  
  
She looked at him. "You don't look fine. You should probably go take a shower." She walked into the Herbology room with a firm stride. Emily and the other girls followed quickly.  
  
"Prongs, I'm sorry for whatever I said," Remus apologized quickly. "I didn't mean to...break anything."   
  
"It's not what you said, but it was just that you were right. You were really right. If Lily's dating someone, it's not my business. I should butt out," James said. He pushed up his glasses from the bottom and wiped at his eyes.  
  
"I'm glad you see things that way," Remus replied.   
  
"But if I find out who the bugger is, I'm going to hurt him."  
  
"But you just said -"  
  
"I'll butt out, but...I love Lily."  
  
"Do you really think that Lily would want you to? James, you're being awful possessive of someone you don't even have."  
  
"Whose side are you on, here?" he asked nastily.  
  
"Sides? James, there are no sides here! You're talking about a person like they're property? Lily's not your wand or your broom. She's a human being. You can't rule someone like that!"  
  
"God, Remus, you're acting like it's you! Like you don't give a shit about Lily, but you're just trying to save your own ass!"  
  
"I'm not doing anything of the sort! You're the one who doesn't seem to be giving a shit about Lily." Remus began to feel extremely angry. Unlike had in years. "She is my friend and I will see to it that you don't try to control her where you have don't have the right!"  
  
"You really think that? Moony, old buddy, you are wrong." James' voice had grown very calm and forced. His eyes narrowed.   
  
"James, you are acting insane and completely not like yourself. I ask you to go away before you say or do something you're going to regret," Remus said, calming down.   
  
"Oh? You ask me that? Wow, Moony, that's a great idea." James stared at him for a long moment before he jumped forward and gabbed Remus by the collar of his robes. He pushed him up against the wall. "Is this what you mean? Regret this? I don't regret this! Moony, I think you better figure out which side you're on, because you aren't on my side here. You're sure as hell not acting like it!"  
  
Remus stared at his friend. He wasn't sure if it was his pulse that he felt pounding in his throat or the super high blood pressure of James, pulsating through the fingers that were pressed tightly against Remus' throat.  
  
"I'm on Lily's side," Remus said in a choked voice. When James just looked at him, Remus couldn't help but add, "Lily. Do you remember her? Or did you forget her along with your sense? Now please put me down."  
  
James stared at him and then threw him down. Remus hit the ground and gasped at the sudden hardness of the floor. James ran away, down the hall.   
  
Remus looked up at the entire Herbology class standing in the doorway. He caught Lily's eye. She looked at him apologetically. He nodded at her. He then looked around. Both Sirius and Peter had followed after James.   
  
No one moved to help him up, so he stood by himself. Without thought, he walked into the Herbology room and sat down. Everyone stared at him. He looked up at them.  
  
"What?"  
  
They all shrugged and sat down as the Professor walked into the room.  
  
*  
  
"I don't know what got into him," Remus said, pacing. "I just can't figure it out!"  
  
"He's probably just jealous even of the idea that I'm seeing someone," Lily said. "It's a flattering thought."  
  
Remus turned and stared at her. "He could have killed me this morning, you know that, right?"  
  
"I know that, but he didn't. He wouldn't. Even if he *did* know. He's depressed and edgy."  
  
"Well, when McGonagall found out what happened, she pulled thirty-five points from Gryffindor on his behalf. She said that fighting in the halls wasn't accepted."  
  
"Well, I could have told you that."  
  
"This isn't good, though."  
  
"Maybe," Lily said, "we should make it look as if it's someone. Just so he has someone to push his anger towards."  
  
"So he can kill them?"  
  
"James won't kill anyone. You know that and I know that."   
  
"Well, you know that," Remus muttered.   
  
She looked at him with a slightly annoyed expression. She sighed. "Believe me, James wouldn't kill anyone. Fight them, rough them up a bit, but he wouldn't *really* hurt anyone. Just like you wouldn't."  
  
"I was about to pummel James today," Remus said, sitting down next to Lily. "I just don't know what got into him. Why he was acting like that. He was seriously acting like some sort of crazed, possessive lunatic."  
  
"I know he was. I simply don't think that he would kill anyone, especially you, if he found out. Not saying that I want to tell him right now. Right now, he probably would send you about to the hospital wing. But under normal circumstances, on a normal day, he wouldn't," Lily said.  
  
Remus nodded. "You're probably right. I don't think telling him sometime within the next week is a good idea, though."  
  
"Oh no. Not even for a month."  
  
"At least we're agreed on that."  
  
"We could make it look like I'm snogging with that irritating Slytherin Lucius Malfoy and then James would attack him. That might make you feel better," Lily said, a smile sneaking across her face.   
  
The thought made Remus smile, but then reality struck. "We can't do that!"  
  
"Of course not." She sighed. "I wish this was easier."  
  
"I wish we had just told him in the first place. It would make things so less complicated."  
  
"Yeah, but you might be in the hospital wing, even still, with a broken collarbone," Lily said with raised eyebrows.  
  
"You really think so?"  
  
She shrugged. "Perhaps."  
  
"That's reassuring."  
  
*  
  
Over the next few weeks, things were strained between James and Remus. James felt ashamed, so there forth kept his mouth closed when Remus was around. Remus, on the other hand, simply ignored James, so even if he did say something, it wouldn't have been mentioned.   
  
"Trouble in paradise?" Lucius Malfoy said one morning at breakfast. "Look, Severus, the Gryffindors are being their usual, perky, brave selves."  
  
Snape only snickered at them.   
  
"Why don't you sod off, Malfoy?" Sirius asked with a growl.   
  
"Psh. You think you can fight me, Black? Or do you want to leave it up to your Mudblood loving friend Potter?" Malfoy replied. His silver-grey eyes were narrowed and his lips were curved into a thin smile.   
  
James sat, staring at his food. His eyes seemed to be boring holes into his toast.  
  
"Potter, aren't you going to say something?" Snape asked. "Stand up for yourself? Or are you going to let me win? Like you let that wussy Lupin win."  
  
"Good God, you two, leave them alone," Lily said, walking over.   
  
"Oh, so, the little Mudblood is going to stand up for her wussy friends," Malfoy said. He eyed her, appearing to be sizing her up. "Say, for a Mudblood, you're not to bad. Perhaps you and me could get together sometime for a quick a snog. Nothing more, of course. Can't have my reputation slandered by a *Mudblood.* But you know, use is use."  
  
"I don't think so, Malfoy," Lily replied. "But you know, if you wanted me to tell Dumbledore about that time last week when I saw you copying off of Della Salamini's Arthimancy paper because you hadn't studied, I'm very willing to do so."  
  
"You little bitch. That's not true."  
  
"Of course it is. And even if it wasn't, anyone in this school would believe my word over yours," Lily said. She stood her ground firmly. "And not just because I'm a Gryffindor and you're a Slytherin. I just happen to be more trustworthy than you are."  
  
"I should kill you right here and now, Mudblood," Malfoy said, no longer smiling.  
  
"Lay off, Lucius," Snape said. James' head shot up.   
  
"Are *you* standing up for the *Mudblood,* Severus?" Malfoy asked.   
  
"Of course not. She's just not worth our time. Let's go," Snape said. He turned and walked away.  
  
Malfoy glared at Lily. "Sodding Mudblood." He then walked after Snape.   
  
"Wow, Lily, that was great," Peter said.   
  
"A true bloody Gryffindor if I've ever seen one," Sirius said.  
  
The other Gryffindors started applauding for Lily. Even a few Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff students joined in the applause, while the Slytherins simply glared.   
  
Lily, on the other hand, stood with her arms crossed across her chest and she had a determined look upon her face.   
  
"That was, uh, really cool, Lily," James said meekly. He jumped up from the table and rushed away.   
  
She then turned and looked at Remus, who shrugged. She shrugged as well and stalked out of the Great Hall.  
  
*  
  
It was suddenly nearing Christmas and Hogwarts was covered in snow. Things between Remus and James had patched up over time. They were back to their normal selves. James rarely mentioned Lily at all, and was perfectly civil when she was around.   
  
Remus and Lily's relationship was still secret, but besides that, things were going well. They had the wonder of their passage, where they had a sudden habit of screwing like bunnies, as Sirius would have put it if he knew.   
  
"Come on, we're going down to Hogsmeade. Do you boys want to come?" Lily asked the four as they ate their breakfast.  
  
"I just went - uh, sure," Sirius said with a fast grin.  
  
"We're in," James said. Peter nodded his agreement.  
  
"Remus?" Lily prompted.  
  
He nodded. "Yeah, I'm for it."   
  
She grinned. "Great. You guys can come with us," she said, motioning to a group of girls. "I know more than one of them would like to hang out with the four most eligible men at Hogwarts."  
  
Sirius jumped up. "When do we leave?"  
  
Lily laughed. "In an hour. Relax, finish your food."  
  
"Psh. Seems like we're always eating breakfast."  
  
"Listen, we'll meet you guys out front. We'll go down together, okay?" Lily asked.  
  
"That's fine," James replied.  
  
She frowned at his short answer. She had been going out of her way a little to be more sensitive towards James, but he had been treating her like she was just an acquaintance. She was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable around him.  
  
During their time in the passage, Lily and Remus discussed their friends a lot. Trying to look past their outer shells and into the deep of their psyches, as Lily had done the night she fell into the lake.   
  
"I thought I had James pegged," Lily had said one night. "You know, the confidant leader, the one with the answers. But now, after that scene in Herbology, he just seems so reckless to me."  
  
"But he's not," Remus replied. "He was reckless once, but now it's like he's gone into his shell. He barely talks to anyone. He just does his homework and goes to bed. It's not like he's depressed or anything. It's more like he's in a trance. He does what he has to do and not anymore. He goes to Quidditch practice and everything, but Dameon Cull, the Gryffindor team captain, told me that James is doing poorly. And it's not that he's doing poorly. It's more that he's not into the game. He finds and catches the Snitch just as fast as ever, but he doesn't seem to care."  
  
"And that's not like James at all!" Lily said. "He's the biggest Quidditch fan I know. He's probably the biggest Quidditch fan at Hogwarts!"  
  
"I know. Something really needs to be done about him. But I don't think we can do anything. I really think that he needs time."  
  
"And maybe a little bit more attention. It's our fault it happened in the first place, you know that, right?"  
  
Remus nodded. "Yeah, I know. And I feel guilty about it, but it's not like I can go up to him and say that I'm sorry for dating you."  
  
"Exactly. And Sirius isn't being help at all. He's being the ever helpful best friend by trying to *find* whoever it is I'm supposedly seeing. Even now that James has dropped it, Sirius is still after it."  
  
"It's possible that he's trying to look for some approval from James."  
  
"You suppose?" Lily asked.  
  
"I told James this; Sirius likes to think that he knows everything, when he doesn't. And you really can't confide in him, you know, talk to him about things that involve a lot of feeling. So James doesn't talk to him about it, and Sirius tries to make up for his lack of verbal communication by trying to get what he thinks James wants," Remus explained.   
  
"That makes sense. And then poor Peter, lost in the shuffle. He just agrees with whatever they say, trying to make them feel better. You can tell, though, that he's not sure who he wants to make feel better more, James or Sirius. He'll tell James that I'm not worth it or tell Sirius that we'll catch the guy I'm dating. But James doesn't want to hear it and Sirius doesn't want any help. Peter just can't do anything right. I feel bad for him." She shifted uncomfortably.  
  
"Did you really hear him say that you weren't worth it?"  
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I did."  
  
Remus wrapped an arm around her shoulders.  
  
"It's all right, though. Peter's just trying to make James feel better. I have to take that into retrospect when I want to feel bad for myself," Lily said. "He doesn't really mean it."  
  
So, on the day they went to Hogsmeade, Lily was set on making James feel more comfortable. It was also her only chance to go Christmas shopping, and she had no idea what to get any of the boys.  
  
"Do you suppose I should buy something for Lily?" Peter asked, blushing furiously. He asked Remus, who didn't seem to be dead set on finding Lily's secret or wasn't talking about her.  
  
"If you want to," Remus replied. "I'm sure she would appreciate it. I've...gotten the impression that she's feeling bad because neither you, Sirius, or James is speaking with her much."  
  
Peter nodded. "I think she overheard me when I was talking with James about her the other day. Maybe I should buy her something for Christmas. To sort of make up for it."  
  
"I'm sure she'd like that."  
  
"Moony, what do you buy for girls?"  
  
"Maybe you shouldn't think of Lily as a "girl" and think of her as your friend," Remus advised. "She's probably going to appreciate something from the heart more so than something you thought she'd like because she's a girl."  
  
Peter blinked. "Maybe I'll just get her a box of chocolate frogs and leave it at that."  
  
Remus hid a smile. "That's a good idea."  
  
Lily ran up next to Remus and Peter. "I don't know what to get for James. He's in a real funk and I don't know what to do. I don't want to default on something here. This is important."  
  
"We'll help you," Remus said. "Won't we, Wormtail?"  
  
Peter nodded.  
  
"Thank God I have you two," she replied. "I don't know what I would do. But then I'm going to have to go ask James and Sirius what to get you guys."   
  
"Well, I can tell you what to get me," Remus said with a grin.   
  
"Oh, shut up," Lily said, grinning as well. "None of you are going to know what I've gotten you until Christmas. I am good at keeping secrets."   
  
Remus snickered, but luckily Peter didn't hear. Lily did, though, and she glared at him.   
  
He smiled innocently.   
  
"So, getting back onto the subject," Lily said. "Where do you suppose I should buy something for them?"   
  
"They'll like anything from Zonko's," Peter suggested. "Even if they already have at least one of almost everything there."   
  
"I'll keep that in mind," Lily replied. She looked up ahead and saw a few of her female friends waiting for her. "Looks like I'm wanted. I'll see you guys later." She trotted over to them.   
  
"Lily sure is nice," Peter said.   
  
"Don't tell me you're falling for her too," Remus said with a smile.   
  
"No...I like this Ravenclaw girl."   
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah. Pauline Ranbler. She helps me in Transfiguration. I just think it's nice of Lily to get gifts for James and Sirius when they're treating her so badly."   
  
Remus nodded. "So, uh, tell me more about Pauline..."   
  
*  
  
"Okay," Lily said as she sat down at a table in Three Broomsticks. "I've got gifts for everyone except you. You're hard to buy for."   
  
"I'm hard to buy for?" Remus asked curiously.   
  
"Yes. I'm clueless. And when I went to ask James and Sirius to help, Sirius gave me the cold shoulder and James acted like he had no idea who any of us were. So, I'm going to have to figure this one out on my own."   
  
"All right. What did you get the other guys?"   
  
Lily pulled a canvas bag onto the table. "For Peter I got a quill that has a little light at the top so you can write in the dark. It's like an eagle feather - something with enough charm power to work for a few months. You can trade it in for a new one when the old one runs out."   
  
"That's cool."   
  
"I thought so. I got Sirius X-ray glasses. They look like Muggle sunglasses, though. They're kind of - what's that look for?"  
  
"You got...Sirius Black X-ray glasses?"  
  
"Yeah, why are you looking at me - oh. Don't worry, it's walls only."  
  
"You...got Sirius Black X-ray glasses?" Remus repeated.  
  
"I thought about that and I asked. They can't penetrate the walls of Hogwarts. Hogwarts has special security things. Besides, these glasses are sort of bottom of the line. What? I am a little upset with him for being such a jackass. He's lucky I got him something at all," Lily said, sounding a little indignant.  
  
"Good point. I agree with you."  
  
"And then I got James something - I hope I'm not overdoing it. I mean, I want to be nice, but I think I might look like I'm just trying to hard." She bit her lip as she pulled a small box from her bag. She handed it to Remus. "What do you think?"   
  
He opened the box and looked inside. It was a thin gold chain with a golden Snitch charm. He looked up at her. "It's really nice."   
  
"Is it too much? Does it look like I'm going overboard?"  
  
"No, of course not," Remus said, staring at the charm. He shut the box and handed it back to her. "It's nice."   
  
She jumped up, looked around and then gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you so much. I'm going to go look for something for you. I'll see you back at Hogwarts okay?"  
  
"Sure. Here, don't worry about your bill, I'll get it," Remus said with a smile.   
  
"Thanks," she replied as she hurried out the door.  
  
He sighed as he took a drink from his butterbeer. Maybe Lily liked James more than she thought she did. It was one thing to get him a nice gift, but that had to cost her a fortune. It had to be real gold - wizards didn't use anything less. At least ten galleons. He sighed again.   
  
He looked over and saw Peter walking in with James and Sirius. Remus waved at them to come on over.   
  
"Today is my revolution," James announced as he sat down. "I am going to stop this pointless pining and get back in shape. Gryffindor needs me! I'm the bloody Seeker! I need to stop this and I'm going to do it. Right now."   
  
"Good going, Prongs," Sirius said with a grin. "A round on me."   
  
"So...does this mean you're getting Lily something for Christmas now?" Peter asked carefully.  
  
Sirius glared at him. "Don't say that name."   
  
Remus had the sudden urge to slap Sirius upside the head. He kept his cool.   
  
"It's fine, Padfoot. I don't mind if you guys talk about or with Lily. I just...I'm over her. I'm going to try to be her friend. And yes, Peter, I am getting her a gift. I don't know what. Probably just something small. So she doesn't think I'm trying to win her over or something," James said calmly.   
  
Well, that should be interesting, Remus thought.   
  
*  
  
Christmas morning, Remus awoke to the sound of thundering feet around him. The full moon was two days past and he was sleeping more than he was awake, trying to regroup. The thumping made him roll over in his bed and cover his head with his pillows, trying to drown it out.   
  
"Gah! Moony, wake up!" Sirius yelled. He pulled the pillows away and threw them on the floor. "It's Christmas, you idiot! You're going to sleep through Christmas!"  
  
"I don't give much a shit," Remus muttered. He closed his eyes tightly to block out the light. He grabbed around for his pillows, but, of course, they weren't there. "God, Sirius, give me those back."  
  
"Not until you open your presents. Then you can sleep the rest of the day away for all I care."   
  
Remus opened his eyes to see Sirius standing above him, grinning like a maniac. Remus sighed as he rolled out of bed, almost not catching himself before he hit the floor. "Where are my gifts?" he asked, wiping sleep from his eyes.  
  
"Here," Sirius said thrusting a pile of gifts at him. "Open mine first."   
  
"Fine, fine," Remus muttered. He grabbed one of the boxes and held it up. "This one yours?"  
  
Sirius nodded.  
  
"Thought so. The 'Daily Prophet' wrapping paper gave it away," he said, starting to wake up a bit. He ripped open the package, feeling bad for a moment at ripping a picture. The wizards in the photo began running around and into other photos.   
  
Remus turned back to this gift. He opened the box and peered inside. He blinked. "A kaleidoscope?"  
  
"Look at it! Look into it!" Sirius seemed absolutely giddy.   
  
Remus held the kaleidoscope up to his eye and saw a thousand images of Sirius dancing around. Not only that, but each image seemed to have a mind of it own. One was running about carelessly, another was reading a book, and another seemed to be playing with himself. Remus brought the kaleidoscope down quickly.   
  
"Quite cool," he decided, a little wary.  
  
Sirius nodded. "I got one for everyone. Except for Prongs. I got him a penknife. Thought he could use one. Since you already have one. And Wormtail would kill himself on one."  
  
Remus nodded as he sorted through the gifts. One from James, one from Peter, and one from his Great Aunt. Probably something he couldn't very well use. Like a used Muggle toaster oven. There was even one from James' younger sister, who was quite fond of Remus.  
  
What puzzled him, though, is that there was no gift from Lily. Maybe she hadn't found something for him at all and just gave up. Well, that didn't sound like her at all. She was the type who would run through the rain just to get one something. Even someone who wasn't her boyfriend.   
  
He opened the rest of his gifts and found them to be quite enjoyable, even the electric can opener that he couldn't use from his aunt. But still...the absence of a gift from Lily bothered him. Was this some sort of sign? Or maybe she got him something so...romantic (he tried to push the word "embarrassing" from his mind) that she didn't want anyone else to know about it.   
  
So, after he had showered, he ran down to breakfast where he found Lily. He gave her a questioning look and she mouthed 'passage' at him. He nodded and turned right around. He almost ran into James.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, Prongs," Remus said distantly.   
  
"Uh, no problem," James replied. "Have you seen Lily?"  
  
"She's in there," he replied gesturing towards the Hall he had just exited from.  
  
"You okay, Moony?"   
  
"I'm fine. I'll see you later."   
  
"Yeah. Happy Christmas, man."   
  
"Right. Happy Christmas."   
  
Remus wandered down to the passage, opened it and closed it behind him. He was expecting Lily at any moment, but was sure she was being held up by James.   
  
He went to sit, when he saw a box a little up ahead. He walked up to it and flipped up the tag right away. In Lily's neat script it said, 'To Remus, From Lily.'  
  
So, she hadn't given up. He picked up the box and shook it gently. Light. He then wondered if she counted a box of air as a gift.   
  
"Remus?"  
  
He turned around, and saw Lily standing there with her arms crossed. "You weren't opening my gift, were you?"   
  
"No, I was just shaking it a bit," he replied with a smile. His smile dropped off as he asked, "What did James want?"   
  
"He wanted to thank me for the gift. He seemed quite...taken with it. Oh, Remus, you should have told me I was going overboard! James got me a rainbow pen. You know, the ones that changes ink colors as you write with it. It's nice, but it's not a gold necklace."   
  
"I wasn't going to tell you that your gift was bad," Remus said. He set down the box. "You were so happy with it."   
  
"I suppose so. Come one, let's sit. Open your box. And thank you for your gift. It was lovely."   
  
"I should have thought of giving it to you in private. Hopefully, you weren't too ridiculed."   
  
"Well, the rumors are flying and Emily was kind enough to dispose of the tag before anyone saw who it was from. They just assumed that it was from my mystery lover. Which is closer to the truth than they knew," Lily replied. "Now, open yours!"   
  
Remus quickly pulled at the wrapping paper and then pulled at the flap on the top of the box. He stared at the contents.   
  
Lily paused. "You don't like it?"   
  
He pulled the small, stuffed wolf from the box. "I like it, I do. I just - not what I was expecting."   
  
"I didn't know what to get you, and I saw the wolf and he just reminded me of you. I was tempted to just him for myself. But I thought you might like him better."   
  
Remus leaned over and kissed her. "I love it."   
  
"I'm so glad."   
  
He looked down at the wolf and nodded. "I love it."  
  
  
A/N: I know, this is sort of filler. Don't worry, the next chapter things are going to get insane. The things you've been asking about will come to pass. 


	4. The Prank

Chapter Four: The Prank  
  
  
Winter passed and spring came. Things stayed where they were, for the most part.  
  
Remus and Lily's relationship was still secret. They were pretty sure that no one knew Remus was dating anyone, and that no one knew who Lily was seeing. James was slowly falling from his "revolution" and back in love with Lily. Remus doubted that he ever had fallen *out* of love with her, and he wasn't just being all talk.  
  
Sirius was now speaking with Lily again, and she was grateful. He wasn't very pleased to find that his X-ray glasses didn't work on Hogwarts walls, though. He discovered this outside of the girls' toilets.  
  
And for the biggest surprise of all, Peter began seeing Pauline, the Ravenclaw girl he liked.   
  
"I suppose with Peter, he couldn't keep it a secret even if he tried," Remus said. "It's not the matter of having never having had a girlfriend, I hadn't before you, but the point that no one thought he ever would."   
  
Lily agreed and went back to her studying. She said it was her prefect duty to set an example and start studying for exams early. It was only an excuse to study as much as possible.  
  
Sirius said that it was pointless to study too early. "You would forget everything that you learned early on, so it's useless."   
  
It was one night in the Gryffindor common room when James spoke up in a hushed voice to Sirius, Peter and Remus. "Guys, I know I said I dropped the subject, but...I think I figured out who Lily is dating."   
  
Remus looked up, wide eyed. His heart started beating at twice its normal speed. "Y-you do?"  
  
James nodded. He took a deep breath. "It's...Snape."   
  
"What?" Remus asked, shocked and relieved at the same time.   
  
He shook his head. "I know. I never thought Lily to be the type to go dating Slytherins. And Snape of all people. That guy is such an ugly git."   
  
"How do you figure that up?" Sirius asked. "I mean, how do you know?"   
  
"Well, my first clue was that Snape stood up for her that one day Malfoy was ridiculing us. And then I kept seeing them leaving the Great Hall at the same time. I just don't know where they go," James said. He sighed. "And why else would she keep it a secret?"  
  
There was silence.   
  
"Um, you know, we should have like some way to keep tabs on him," Peter said. "What if he's using our passages to get to Lily?"  
  
"They're not technically *our* passages," Remus said. His heart had yet to slow.  
  
"That's a good idea," James said slowly. "Wormtail, you had a ruddy great idea! We need something to keep tabs on that ass. Like a...a...a something."   
  
They were silent for a little bit longer. Remus was thinking about how he should relay the message to Lily about this. She should know that they think she's seeing Snape. And she had joked about making them think she was dating Malfoy. That was pretty close. Too close.   
  
"A map."  
  
The three boys turned and looked at Sirius.   
  
"What?" Peter asked.  
  
"A map. We could make a map of Hogwarts," he replied.  
  
"We know our way around," James pointed out.  
  
"Not a normal map, you dolt. A magical map. Something where we can see where Snape, and everyone else in the school, is going. Not only could we see where the rat - no offense, Wormtail - was going, we could have a safety for when we use our passages. We could know where we the teachers were." Sirius' eyes were glowing. He seemed ecstatic about the whole thing.  
  
"What if a teacher found it? It would be spoiled for good," Remus said. Anything to keep them from doing this. It was destroy most anything he could have with Lily. A secret map that showed the secret passages? It would show *his* secret within an instant.  
  
"We could clear it. Put some sort of charm on it. A spell to open it and a spell to close it," James said. He was getting the idea.   
  
"I don't know..." Remus said.   
  
"Look, Moony," Sirius said, "we need this. To make sure Snape's not trying a fast one on us. We'll sign it and your name can be first."   
  
"I'm not putting my name on it!" Remus said. "What if a teacher *did* get a hold of it? They'd know who's it was."   
  
"...we could sign it with our nicknames," James said. "Not too many of the teachers know those. If they did, the might figure out where they came from. And I'm sure Filch doesn't know. If it got confiscated, no one would know who we were, even if they could work it."   
  
"We don't even know how to work it," Peter said. "We haven't even started it."   
  
"Then let's get to work!" Sirius said. He grabbed some spare parchment and a quill. "Okay, how are we going to go about this?"  
  
"I'll catch up with you guys later," Remus said. "I need to go study."   
  
"You better get some input into this things or we won't put your name on it at all!" Sirius called as Remus walked out of the common room.  
  
*  
  
Remus knew that he could find Lily up in the library. He pulled her into a secluded area. She looked at him questioningly.   
  
"What is this about?" she asked in a soft voice.  
  
"They think you're dating Snape and they're making a map of Hogwarts to keep tabs on him, or to even catch the two of you in the act," he blurted out, all very quickly.  
  
Lily blinked. "What?"   
  
"James thinks you're dating Snape," Remus said slowly.   
  
"Does he now? That's not too horrible."  
  
"But he, Sirius and Peter are creating a map that can show where Snape is so they can make sure that Snape's no where near you."   
  
"Snape's never near me. I don't see what the problem is."  
  
"The map won't just show you and Snape. It will show everyone."  
  
"Oh," Lily said shortly. "That's bad."  
  
Remus nodded. "I guess this means that we might as well be out with it. Our whole relationship. They should know before they find out the hard way and then James really gets hurt."  
  
She nodded. "I think that's a really good idea."   
  
"I have to go first, though," he said slowly. "This weekend. I have to -"  
  
"Take care of your sickly grandmother? Or is it your cousin's wedding?" Lily asked. "Don't give me an excuse. Give me the truth."   
  
Remus' voice was stuck in his throat. He swallowed. "I - uh...we have other things to worry about, Lily. We do."   
  
"We've been living a lie, Remus. Keeping secrets from James and everyone else. I trust you more than anyone else in this world, but I can't see past your lies sometimes. I just - I want to know the truth. You remember that night when I told you that I wanted to unlock your mystery?"   
  
He nodded.   
  
"You still haven't let me in. What are you so scared of me finding out?"   
  
What would she think? If she knew what I was and what I had done, she would never speak to me again. And trust? How can she trust me? And how could she if she ever found out what I was? This monster, the horrible thing. She couldn't love that. No one could. I sure as hell couldn't.   
  
"They know," she was saying. "I suppose it's a fair deal. They know your secret, and I know about us. Is that it? Remus, talk to me!"  
  
"I can't. Lily, I'll talk to you when I get back. I'll be gone, so we won't have to worry about them finding anything out. I promise."   
  
"Remus, tell me. Please, I want to know. There's nothing you could say to me that could make me love you any less. Except the lies. The lies, the ones you tell and the ones we tell, they're killing us."   
  
"I'll tell you when I get back."  
  
"You promise me?" Her voice was pained.   
  
He nodded. "I promise."  
  
She nodded. "All right, then. And we'll tell them when you get back."  
  
"Right."   
  
Lily smiled. "Right."  
  
*  
  
Friday night, Remus walked up to the hospital wing. "Madam Pomfrey?"  
  
The nurse turned and saw him standing there. "Ah, Lupin. Full moon again? Seems like we just had one. Better get you down there before total nightfall."  
  
He looked out the window at the setting sun and nodded, more to himself than anyone else. He turned and started walking on out, followed by Madam Promfrey.   
  
They walked to the Whomping Willow tree and Remus reached down and with a long stick, touched the special root. The tree froze. He had already told James and the others that he'd much rather spend this month alone and that they should work on the map. He slid down the hole and down in the path.  
  
He walked along the passage until he came into the whole of the Shrieking Shack, as it had come to be called. He looked at the bitten down furniture and shuddered. He simply sat on the floor, leaning against a bed, and waited for his transformation to occur.   
  
*  
  
Up in the Great Hall, during dinner, Sirius walked up to the Slytherin table. "Hey, Snape."  
  
Snape turned and looked at him. "What do you want, Black?" he asked with his eyes narrowed.   
  
"Come with me."   
  
"Why the hell should I?"   
  
Sirius smirked. "You want to know where Remus goes every month? You've always wanted to know, haven't you?"  
  
"What are you getting at?" Snape snarled.  
  
"Come with me."  
  
"I won't do anything of the sort!"  
  
"Listen, if you want to be a part of this *group* as you seem to do, you'll come with me."  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"I hate you," Sirius said evenly. "So, you're going to come with me."   
  
"Because you hate me? Black, you seem to be out of your mind. You should go see Madam Pomfrey because I'm going to hurt you if you don't," Snape said. He turned back to his food.   
  
Sirius grabbed onto Snape's arm and dragged him over to the window. He pointed to the Whomping Willow. "Look."  
  
Outside the window was Remus going beneath the tree.   
  
"What the..." Snape said, trailing off.   
  
"You want to find out?" Sirius asked again.  
  
Snape nodded, taken with his curiosity.   
  
Sirius grinned. "Perfect. You'll be a real part of the group, now."  
  
*  
  
Sirius sat down with a satisfied grin. "What did you do?" James asked, eying his friend.  
  
"Me? Nothing."   
  
"Liar. Out with it, Padfoot."  
  
"I just told Snape where Moony was."   
  
Peter's eyes grew to three times their normal size. "Why did you do that?"   
  
"Because Snape is a nosy idiot and because he's dating Lily. And because I can," Sirius replied. He looked lazily down at his food. He picked up his fork and began eating.  
  
"You're not serious, are you?" James asked.   
  
"Technically, yes. But I'm always Sirius."   
  
"Padfoot, did you really do that?" he asked in a tone that warned no joking.  
  
"I thought it was what you wanted, Jamie! To get back at Snape for dating Lily. You already hate the guy, he just took it one step too far," Sirius said. "And it was you who said that you were going to kill whoever it was Lily was seeing. You said it yourself. I just did the dirty deed for you."   
  
"No, you're having Remus do the dirty deed for you. And I realized that killing someone isn't going to get Lily to love me!" James stood up and ran out of the hall.   
  
*  
  
Remus sighed. The anticipation was almost as bad as the transformation itself. In the last few moments of his sanity, he replayed the things Lily had said to him in his mind. There was something about the way she asked him to tell her the truth.   
  
James, Sirius, and Peter had understood. They hadn't left him. What really made him think that Lily would? And if she didn't, then she really didn't love him for who he was. The whole thing, the whole package.   
  
Remus jumped as he heard a stirring behind him. He stood and turned. "I thought I told you that I didn't - Snape, what are you doing here?"   
  
Snape looked at him, his dark eyes open wide with surprise. "Where am I?"  
  
"Go! Go, now."   
  
"What are you talking about, Lupin?"   
  
"Snape, you have to go now," Remus said, rushing over to him. He began pushing him out the opening.   
  
"Stop - touching - me," Snape said in a growl.   
  
"Listen to me, you have to go. You can't stay here. How - how did you even get down here?"   
  
"Black told me and -"  
  
"Sirius?" Remus asked in shock. "Sirius did this?"  
  
"Yes, you're beloved -"  
  
"Shut up. You have to go - it's almost nightfall."  
  
"Snape! Remus!"  
  
"James?" Remus questioned in surprise.   
  
"Snape, you have to go," James said, grabbing onto his arm.  
  
He pulled his arm away. "Don't think I'm going anywhere with you, Potter."   
  
"If it wasn't going to kill you, it might almost be worth it," James muttered. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Remus jerk and back over to a wall. "Remus? Is it happening?"   
  
Remus nodded. He slid down the wall and curled into a ball on the floor. His hand shook like mad as coarse brown and grey hairs began to sprout from them and his arms. His fingers slowly came together and then pulled back; his fingernails turned into black claws.  
  
"Oh my God," Snape said, "he's a -"  
  
"A werewolf, I know," James said. He began ushering Snape back to the opening, but Snape was frozen in wonder.   
  
Remus' face began to elongate, and his ears began to point and move to the top of his head. His cries of pain turned to howls. He was suddenly more wolf than human. He jumped up onto four paws, almost completely transformed and growled menacingly at James and Snape.  
  
*  
  
Sirius and Peter sat staring at their food in the Great Hall. Lily came over and sat down next to them. "What's going on, guys? Where's James?"  
  
They exchanged nervous glances and then looked to Lily. She nodded.   
  
"Another secret."  
  
"What are you to be talking about secrets?" Sirius burst. "Seeing someone behind our backs when you know James is so fucking in love with you that he would die for you. And he's about to. And over a slimy git like Snape."   
  
"What do you mean James is going to die over Snape?" she asked.  
  
There was a silence.  
  
"Tell me, Sirius!"  
  
"Sirius sent Snape down after a werewolf," Peter said quietly. "When James found out, he went after Snape in order to save him."  
  
"WHAT?" She looked furiously from Peter to Sirius. "Is that the truth?"  
  
Sirius nodded.   
  
"For your information, I am *not* dating Snape. I told you before that who it was is none of your business and it stands just as true today. I should have known that you would pull a stunt like this one. So, it's a good thing you don't know who I'm really dating - to put him in danger like this. And James! Where's the werewolf? Peter, tell me," Lily said. She felt a moment of guilt for narrowing in on Peter, but she knew that Sirius would never say anything.  
  
"There's a path under the Whomping -"  
  
"Wormtail, you idiot! Don't tell her!" Sirius yelled.   
  
Lily stood up, reached over the table and slapped Sirius across the face. He stared at her. "Both Snape and James are in danger, don't you realize that?"  
  
He nodded. "James can handle himself."  
  
"I don't care. He's your friend and if he dies, you're going to feel the guilt for the rest of your life. Under the Whomping Willow? How do I get down there?"  
  
"You don't," Sirius said simply.  
  
"Tell me! If you won't do anything, I sure as hell will, you lazy, selfish, son of a bitch!"   
  
"I'll take you," Peter said, "but it won't do any good."  
  
"Take me there," Lily replied darkly.  
  
*  
  
"Snape, get out of here!" James yelled. "I can take him."  
  
"You can take a full grown werewolf, Potter?" Fear was evident in his voice.  
  
"Don't ask, Snape, just go!"   
  
Snape slowly backed away, but tripped over a rock, and fell backwards onto the ground, slamming his head against the side of the passage opening. He was out cold.  
  
"Shit," James muttered. He looked back at Remus, who was growling, his teeth bared. "Remus, old buddy, I really hate to do this to you, but if I don't you're going to rip me to shreds."  
  
James transformed. He bowed his antlered head at the wolf. Remus barked loudly, and jumped up on James' back, sinking his teeth deeply into his neck.  
  
James reared onto his back legs and threw Remus against the wall opposite Snape. He yelped loudly, but jumped back up, charging toward Snape. James then turned and rammed his antlers against Remus and tossed him to the other side of the room.   
  
"James? Snape?"  
  
James' head looked up at the path. He couldn't see, but he recognized the voice to be Lily's. Shit, shit, shit, he thought. He reached down with his antlers and picked Snape up and tossed him onto his back. He ran up the passage way, but the ceiling of the path slowly got smaller and he couldn't go any further as a stag.  
  
He dropped Snape on the ground, and hoped that Lily would stop when she saw him. James then ran the other way down to where he could already see Remus running toward him, his jaws snapping.   
  
James lowered his head again and shoved Remus down with his antlers. Remus, once again, went flying against the back wall. James tried to usher him into another room, but Remus could smell Lily. And it was quickly explained why.  
  
James looks over his shoulder and saw Lily standing behind him with wide-eyed wonder. It was quickly James' sole desire to keep Remus from Lily.   
  
He shoved Remus into the next room and then transformed back into a human and slammed the door shut. He could hear the growling and snarling of Remus from the next room as he tried to break the door down.  
  
James turned to Lily. "We have to get out of here. I don't know how long the door will hold him."   
  
"You're an Animagus?" Lily asked, a little shocked. "I mean - how?"   
  
"Ask questions later. We have to get out of here," James said, grabbing onto her arm and pulling her into the passage. "Where's Snape?"  
  
"Peter has him up at the base of the tree."  
  
"Where's Sirius?" They were running up the passage.  
  
"He didn't come. He's still in the hall for all I know."  
  
James sighed, even as they rushed to the top of the passage. He wasn't surprised by that at all. He helped Lily up through the mouth of the cavern. He then pulled himself through as well.  
  
"Close it up, Peter," James said, looking at the frozen Whomping Willow. Peter poked the root with a stick and the three backed away from the tree as it went crazy.   
  
"Where's Snape?" Lily asked, looking around.   
  
"Over there," Peter replied, pointing a few feet away. "I pulled as far as I could. I figured you guys could help get him up to the castle."  
  
"I don't have my wand," James said. "Lily, do you?"  
  
She nodded and whipped her wand from her robes. She levitated Snape up and slowly led him away. James and Peter followed.   
  
"What happened down there?" Lily asked.   
  
"We should probably wait for Remus," James said.  
  
"Is he an Animagus, too?"  
  
"Uh...we should just wait for him.  
  
*  
  
The next morning, a very tired Remus wandered into the Great Hall. He plopped down next to James. He would have normally just walked up to his room, but there was business to attend to today.  
  
"How's Snape?" he muttered. He set his elbows on the table and put his chin in hands. He closed his eyes.  
  
"Uh, fine. He's in the hospital wing - he got a nasty bump on his head from falling over. Peter and I explained things to Dumbledore and he's going to talk to Snape. You hungry?" James replied.  
  
Remus shook his head. "I'm going to bed now."  
  
"Well, Moony, there's something else."  
  
Remus turned his head to James and reluctantly opened his eyes. "What's that?"  
  
James shifted uncomfortably. "Well, you know how I went down there to get Snape? And well, after you transformed I sort of fought you a bit - sorry about that, by the way -"  
  
"That's fine," Remus mumbled, half asleep. His eyes were once again closed.  
  
"Well, Peter and Sirius sort of let it slip to Lily where Snape and I were -"  
  
Remus' eyes opened.  
  
"- and she sort of got Peter to tell her how to get down under the Whomping Willow -"  
  
He raised his head from his hands.  
  
"- and then she sort of got down there and you sort of tried to attack her and she sort of saw me transform and she sort of knows most of the story."  
  
Remus blinked at his friend. In a slow, even voice he asked, "James, are you telling me that Lily knows *everything?*"  
  
"Sort of?"  
  
"James..."  
  
"We didn't tell her about you. For all we know she thinks there's just a random wolf living in the Shrieking Shack."  
  
"Thank God for small favors," Remus muttered.   
  
"She's furious with Sirius right now. And still not too happy with Peter or I. Mostly because we had been keeping secrets from her. And she's royally pissed over the idea that we're Animagus and won't tell her why," James said. He sighed. "I didn't want to lie to her, so I just refused to give her a reason."  
  
"Well, she's going to be even more pissed when she finds out about me."  
  
James didn't really move, but it was obvious to Remus that he agreed.  
  
"Oh, and she's not dating Snape," James said as an afterthought.  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Remus nodded slowly. "I should, you know, go tell her. No reason she should be mad at you for something that's all my fault."  
  
"It's not your fault, Moony. You couldn't help being what you are," James said.  
  
He sighed. "Believe me, Prongs, this is my fault." Slowly, he got up, with some help from James.   
  
"Want me to walk you up the common room?"   
  
Remus shook his head. "I'll be fine." He walked away. "I am going to not be fine," he muttered.  
  
*  
  
Lily was sitting in one of the chairs, looking into the fireplace. She heard a footstep behind her and turned and looked.  
  
"Remus, you're back. You...look terrible."  
  
And he did. Dark rings wore under his eyes and there was a light stubble on his face, that rarely needed shaving. He walked slowly, as if every step brought pain to him. He sat down in the chair across from hers.  
  
"Are you all right?" she asked.  
  
He shook his head.   
  
"What's the matter?" Worry was in her voice. "Did James or Peter tell you what happened last night?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"I'm fine. A little shaken up, that's all. It really didn't strike me how stupid I had been last night until this morning. I was so close to dying."  
  
"That's what really makes this so hard to say," Remus said slowly.  
  
"What is it?" She sounded puzzled.  
  
"Lily, I thought about this. I love you, but I can't see you anymore."  
  
She blinked. "What?"  
  
"We have to break up. This - it can't go on."  
  
"W-why? Is it the secrets? We can tell everyone - I don't mind it at all. I wanted to tell them anyway. You know? Remus?"  
  
"It's not the secrets. Lily, you know I live with my Great Aunt, right?"  
  
"What does that have to do with it?" she asked.  
  
"Bear with me. You know that. Am I correct?"  
  
"Yes, you are - I do."  
  
He swallowed. "You don't know why, though."  
  
"I figure that you're parents died," she said slowly.  
  
"That's right. It's how they died, though. I never told anyone this. And it's been nagging in the back of my mind ever since we started going out. That I might hurt you the way I did before with my parents."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I killed them," Remus said heavily.  
  
"What?" Lily asked in a hushed voice. "I - how?"  
  
"When I was eight years old," he began. "We had been dealing with it for about five years now, but one night I got out of control. I killed my parents and my younger sister. I didn't even know what I had done until the morning afterwards. I should have been put into full containment, sent to an institution for people with my disease, but I was simply sent away. I've been dealing with this demon, pushing away from it for years, trying to deny it. And last night - what happened. I could have killed you too."  
  
"Remus...no. God, no," she said in sudden realization.   
  
"Yes," he replied, "I'm a werewolf. And last night I would have killed you, if it hadn't been for James."  
  
"You've never hurt anyone else, though? Have you? Since you got to Hogwarts?" she asked carefully.  
  
"Not since I came to Hogwarts. I've been carefully contained in the Shrieking Shack every month. Since my family, though, I have made others of my kind. But I've never killed any since then," Remus said. "That doesn't make up for the things I've done. And that's why I can't be with you."  
  
"And the others know and that's why they became Animagus," Lily said, putting the pieces together. "For you."  
  
He nodded and looked to the floor.  
  
There was a long, pregnant pause.  
  
"How did they do it?"  
  
Remus looked up. "What?"  
  
"How did they become Animagus? James fought you. He was a big enough animal to contain you. I want to be able to do it too." A fiery smile blazed across her lips.   
  
"What?" he repeated. "You - you would do that?"  
  
"Did you really think something silly like you being a werewolf would make me stop loving you?" Lily asked incredulously. "It would take a hell a lot more than that, sweetheart."  
  
"I - I didn't know," Remus said, surprised. "Honestly, I thought it would. And I don't exactly think it's a 'silly thing.' I seriously could have killed you last night. And I'm not set on it happening again."  
  
"Of course not. That is exactly why I want to do this! If they could, I can. It might be our only chance."   
  
"Lily - no. I just I can't take the risks that you would get hurt in the process of becoming an Animagus. It took them three years to do it without any help. It's not easy. They had a lot of close calls and they went through a lot of pain. They really shouldn't have done it in the first place," he said, reaching out and placing his hand over hers. "I don't want to put you through that."  
  
"I *want* to!" she exclaimed. "Don't you understand? Remus, I love you. I want do this for you. For us. So we can be together. I don't care if we tell them or if we have to stay a secret for the rest of our lives. I want to be with you."  
  
He leaned back into the chair and sighed. He closed his eyes and was silent for a long time.  
  
"Remus?" Lily prompted gently.  
  
He opened his eyes and looked over at her. He swallowed. "I can't do that to you, Lily. I couldn't ever give you a normal life. I've been dealing with this for thirteen years. I've thought about these things. I'll never be able to have a steady job; there's no way I could ever have kids. I can't give you the life you really deserve."  
  
"I can't agree with that. I love you -"  
  
"Love isn't the issue here," Remus interrupted. "God, I love you so much I could explode, but I know that the only real way I can give you want you really need - what you deserve - is to let you go. So you can be with a guy like James who can really be something."  
  
Tears filled her eyes. "There's no way we can make this work? There's nothing I can say to make you change your mind?"  
  
He shook his head. "I'm sorry, no."  
  
"What do you want me to do? Forget everything that we've been through? Make like it never happened?"  
  
"If you want to."  
  
She paused. "Is that what you're going to do?"  
  
"No," he whispered.  
  
She stood. "Then, I guess there's nothing left to say." She leaned down and pressed her lips against Remus' forehead. She smiled sadly at him, and then walked away. She let out a loud sob and then broke into a run.  
  
Remus sunk down into the chair. This had to qualify as the worst day of his life. That included the day he was bit and the day his family died. Admitting you've done something is more terrible than the act itself.   
  
"Hey, Moony."  
  
He looked up to see James standing above him, leaning against the back of the chair.   
  
"Hi, Prongs. You...didn't hear any of that, did you?"  
  
"Hear what?"  
  
"Nothing. What's going on?"  
  
James plopped down in the other chair. "Dumbledore talked to Snape and got his side of the story. Snape wants to expel us all. Luckily Dumbledore has come to the fact that it was just Sirius who plotted this against Snape and decided to suspend Sirius for two weeks, but not expel him."  
  
"And about -"  
  
"Dumbledore swore him to secrecy. Don't worry."  
  
"Where are Sirius and Peter now?" Remus asked.  
  
"Sirius is in taking the third degree from McGonagall. I heard something about a hundred point loss from Gryffindor thanks to him, which takes us out of running for the House Cup. And Peter's off making it with his girlfriend, I guess."  
  
"That was a mental image I didn't need."  
  
"Yeah, really," James said. He paused and then added, "I thought you were going to bed."  
  
"I talked with Lily. She didn't really seem to mind that I was a werewolf. She was a little shocked and all that, but she wasn't going to turn me in to the Ministry or anything. I think she felt stupid for not having figured it out for herself," Remus said.  
  
James nodded. "Where, uh, where is she now?"  
  
"Her room, I think."  
  
"Oh, okay."  
  
"You know, Prongs, I think she likes you more than she thinks she does. First going in after you, when she knew that there was a werewolf down there. And then when you saved her...I think she may see you in a new light," Remus said. He took a deep breath. It was the right thing to do. "I'm going to bed now."  
  
"Night, Moony," James said. "We were going to work on the map, but there are some places we don't know as well as others. Sirius and I *were* going to go looking around today, but he's suspended and all that. It's not going to be half as interesting by myself."  
  
"I'll go with you tomorrow," Remus offered. "I just need some sleep, you know?"  
  
"Sure. Sounds great. Peter may even come with us."  
  
He nodded. "Great. Oh, but if you're going to work on it today, there's a a path behind the Octavio Dilariumus tapestry down from the Great Hall. I'll show you how to work it tomorrow."  
  
"Cool. Thanks. I'll see you then."  
  
"Yeah," Remus replied. He trudged up to his room and flopped onto his bed. He curled up under his blankets and slowly fell asleep.  
  
*  
  
The rest of the school year passed and then it was time to go home.  
  
Lily passed her exams with the highest marks in the sixth year. Remus' marks were almost as good, as were James'. Sirius had a few problems, from his two week suspension. Peter's grades were admirable. Especially with the guilt he felt over Lily's almost dying and the excitement of his first girlfriend.  
  
Remus and Sirius boarded the Hogwarts Express and took a compartment by themselves.   
  
"Look at us, the single guys. Here, look at this," Sirius said, thrusting a piece of parchment at his friend.  
  
"What is it? And what do you mean we're the single guys? What about James?" Remus asked.  
  
"Take out your wand and tap it. Say 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.' You would know this, if it you had done more work on it. It's still not completely done, yet. The opening is a little dull. Oh, and Prongs thinks he has a major chance with Lily. He's over in a compartment with her and her friends."  
  
"Are they -"  
  
"Nothing official. Now tap the map, damnit!"  
  
Remus pulled out his wand and tapped the parchment. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."  
  
Words spread across the parchment, like magic, 'Welcome to the map made by Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs.'  
  
Then a picture of Hogwarts appeared onto the parchment. A few faded dots wandered across the paper with washed out titles on them.  
  
"There's a few distance problems," Sirius said, noting the faded picture.  
  
"It's cool," Remus said. He handed it back to Sirius. "Didn't you guys say something about clearing it?"  
  
"We...haven't figured that one up yet. I'm thinking of making a model one of my house over the summer. So that next year it can be complete. You know, a seventh year total romp of the grounds? We'd rule the land."  
  
"As long as you don't send any innocent bystanders for me to kill, we're all good."  
  
Sirius cringed. "Sorry about that. It was wrong, blah, blah, blah."  
  
"Apology accepted," Remus replied. He knew he wouldn't get anything better out of Sirius. That was just his mannerism. It was sorely out of character for him to do this. It meant a lot that he even apologized at all.   
  
"Yeah, well. I'm thinking we need some sort of title. Like the Hogwarts Crazymen or something," Sirius said, watching the images fade in and out.  
  
"Crazymen? I think I have a bad enough wrap as is."  
  
"Good point."  
  
"Why does it need a title? We're the only ones who are going to see it, hopefully," Remus said. "The last thing we need is for someone else to find it, have our names on it, and go marauding around like they own it."  
  
"Yeah...stupid, bloody marauders," Sirius muttered. He then looked up from the map at Remus and grinned.  
  
Remus smiled.   
  
"So, are you going to tell Prongs?"  
  
"Tell him what?" Remus reached around in his bag for a book.  
  
"You and Lily."  
  
He blinked as he pulled out the book. "W-what?"  
  
"I really wish I had figured it out *before* I sent Snape down the werewolf hole. Of course, if I hadn't, I probably wouldn't have figured it out. You broke up over it," Sirius said. "Moony, do you know how many girls I've broken up with? And some of them I was actually close to, if you can believe that. I know the signs. Believe me, you're lucky that James hasn't had a girlfriend or he would have seen it too. Both of you were good at hiding it, though. I suppose after hiding a relationship, you could hide anything."  
  
Remus blinked again. He swallowed and smiled. "And I thought you were poor at verbal communication."  
  
"Shut up. Are you going to tell him?"  
  
"What he doesn't know won't hurt him. And that was the idea all along."  
  
"You're a good man, Moony."  
  
"If only," Remus replied. He looked down at his book.  
  
"So, you want to spend some time at my house this summer?" Sirius asked, changing the subject abruptly. "We could work on the map. And we have a great basement for your problem. My parents are so dense they'll probably think you went out for some ice cream and just didn't come back until the next morning." 


	5. Epilogue

Epilogue  
  
-Five Years Later-  
  
  
Remus sat at the desk in his tiny apartment. He barely made the rent every month for he could barely hold a job. But he liked the flat. It was easy to take care of and was near a large wooded area, so he would have a place to transform.  
  
He was busy going through his bills. He bit his lip as he calculated the total sum in his mind. He scratched down a number onto the parchment in front of him, but it looked wrong. Or more that it was hopefully wrong. He tried it again.   
  
Just then a snowy owl swooped into his window. Remus grabbed for the letter and he reached into his pocket. He grabbed a few Knuts and tossed them into the owl's pouch. The owl turned and flew out of the window.  
  
He opened up the letter and his heart jumped. It was from Lily. Telling him to meet her at Hogsmeade in three days. She would expect him, but if he couldn't make it, don't worry about owling in return - she had to make the trip anyway.   
  
He didn't have anything to do. He was currently out of a job, and he was sure he had some Floo Powder around here somewhere...  
  
*  
  
Remus walked down the streets of Hogsmeade. He glanced over at the silent Shrieking Shack. His heart pounded in his throat from the overwhelming nerves and sudden nostalgia.   
  
"Heard that place is haunted."  
  
He turned and saw Lily Potter standing there with a baby stroller. It appeared to be completely self-propelled. Completely in the sense that it rolled in front of her and stopped when she did. She never had to touch it.   
  
"Lily," Remus said hoarsely.  
  
She tried to walk around the stroller, but it kept in front of her. She smiled. "Come over here?"  
  
He walked around to where she was. He stood in front of her for a moment. She reached up and pulled him into a hug. "It's so fantastic to see you."  
  
"You too," he replied. He peered down at the stroller, onto the sleeping baby. He had never seen Harry in person, but James had sent him pictures. Most of those were either laughing or wailing. He hadn't seen the baby sleep.   
  
Remus reached down and messed up the tiny bit of black hair that fell over the baby's forehead. Harry rolled over. "He's adorable."  
  
"So I hear."  
  
He looked back up at her. "What's this about?"  
  
"Can we go somewhere more...private? I can't go saying these sort of things where anyone can hear," she replied. Her voice had grown hushed and worried.   
  
He nodded, concerned. They walked down to Three Broomsticks and took a table in the corner.   
  
"Releasia," Lily muttered at the stroller. She sat down at the table. "I have a lot of interesting news."  
  
"What is it?" Remus asked.   
  
"I'm sure you've heard about Vol -" Lily looked around at all the people. "You know. He's after James and I. I don't know why. We never did anything to him. Except that one thing. Never mind. But we're going under the Fidelius Charm. Tomorrow."  
  
"The hiding spell?"  
  
She nodded. "We decided to have Sirius as our secret keeper - James decided to have Sirius as our secret keeper."  
  
"I understand," Remus replied. "I - I'm not the most dependable person."  
  
"Not because you don't want to be," she replied sharply. "It's not your fault."  
  
"Is it the same reason you made Sirius Harry's godfather?" Remus bit his lip. He didn't want to say that.   
  
"No, that's not the reason at all," Lily replied softly. "In fact, James wanted to make you Harry's godfather in the first place. I was the one who changed his mind."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I want you to know Harry. You couldn't have another title. If things had gone the way I wanted them to you *would* be Harry's father. And even that you're not, in my mind...sometimes I wonder." She shook her head sadly. "I love James. I'm not saying I don't. But you have something he'll never have."  
  
"What's that?" Remus asked carefully.  
  
"My heart. James has me, but it's you who has my heart. And you'll always have it, Remus. Nothing can take that away from you. Even if you don't want it, it's yours."  
  
Remus looked down at the table. "Believe me, Lily, I want it. I'd much rather have the whole package, but since I can't..." He smiled. "I'll take what I can get."  
  
She grinned. "Do you think we could have ever made it work? I know you said we couldn't, but do you think that we might have?"  
  
"We might have," he agreed. "But I have to remind myself every night that what we did was the best."  
  
"What *you* did," she corrected. "I would have stuck by you, but you were so set on making sure I had it good. It's never as good as it could be."  
  
Remus opened his mouth to speak, but Harry chose that moment to begin fussing. Lily looked fondly at the baby as she picked him up. She began bouncing him gently in her arms. She looked over at Remus. "We should probably go."  
  
"Right." He stood up as Lily did the same. "Lily, I just wanted you to know that I love you. I still do."  
  
"Remus I-"  
  
"You don't have to say anything. I understand."  
  
She smiled, tears evident in her eyes. "I love you too, Remus. As much as I shouldn't, as much as it's wrong - that's how much I still love you. *You* are my true love." She set the quieted Harry down into the stroller. "Controle," she muttered. She walked out the door. Remus watched her. Then, he ran out after her.  
  
"Lily! Lily, wait!"  
  
She turned, the stroller turning with her. "What?"  
  
"I want to kiss you. I know I can't, but I want to like nothing else in the world."  
  
She looked around. "There are too many people, Remus. Next time. After I come back, when it's safe. I promise you."  
  
"All right," he said. "I'll be waiting."  
  
She grinned. "So will I." She turned and walked into the crowd.  
  
Remus spun around and walked away, a little skip in his step. Lily may be married, he thought, she may have a son, but it's me who she loves.   
  
I won't be waiting, I'll be yearning. Pining. Counting the seconds. I won't be able to breath until I have that moment.   
  
He smiled to himself as he passed the Shrieking Shack once again. I've come so far since then. And the future is looking brighter. Now I have something to look forward to; seeing her again.  
  
When that moment comes, I will be the happiest man alive. She is what makes me sing. No one can have that. James can't, oh he may learn, but it's nothing to the natural talent of true love.   
  
She is what makes me complete. My euphoria. 


End file.
